d r i f t

Another thing

2012-01-25T09:38:00.000-08:00

SUCH STUPID IDEALS I HAVE!

(The better to be ignorant with!)

This is probably going to be stupid, desperate, and... stupid...

2012-01-25T09:18:00.000-08:00

...

I need someone.

Not someone.

Just... someone.

Someone not as messed up as everyone else.

And, at the same time, someone who isn't so egotistic to rub this fact in the faces of other people by their goddamn air of ~self-righteousness~.

(OH, LOL, HYPOCRITE MUCH, BUT NOT QUITE)

It would be a comfort to know that such a person exists.

My body stings from the cold.

"Hatred can be suppressed, with reason. But you must give in to it at times or it will eat you alive." - Jin Kazama

2011-12-20T10:16:00.000-08:00

Sooooooooooooooooo I totally watched Tekken: Blood Vengeance with my cousins a few hours ago... AND GOD WAS I SPAZZING ALL OVER THE PLACE. Sure, it was weird in its own way (dialogue was somewhat strange, storyline was even stranger, but I guess I wasn't bothered too much). BUT DAMN THE FRIKKIN' GRAPHICS OKAY THEY JUST HAD ME OGLING AT THE FRIKKIN' SCREEN FOR 92 MINUTES. AHEKAFHAKEFHKHF the fight scenes were amaaaazing!!!! Waaaay waaaaaaaay better than the action cutscenes for Tekken 6. ;__; AND OH MY GOD XIAOYUUUUU I'M SUCH A PROUD MOMMA HUHU YOU WERE AWESOME OKAY andand I'M GLAD YOU'RE FRIENDS WITH ALISA ;u;

I'm glad my cousins remembered to make me watch it while I was at their place-- OH THEY KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE TEKKEN (... kind of ironic, though, how they were playing Marvel vs. Capcom on their PSP while we were watching xD). ;__; I'm not sure why I love Tekken so much. Because I grew up with it? Maybe. Storyline/plot? Perhaps. Because it somehow manages to destress me? Possibly. I'm not into the memorization of combos though. Oh, you know me. I'm a winger.

Random opinion: Lars is way waaaaaaay better for Alisa than Shin. JUST PUTTING THAT OUT THERE.

I miss playing Tekken. So, so much. But... I can't get myself to play the game anymore, let alone a single match.

disappointment

2011-12-12T06:18:00.000-08:00

i realize i continually disappoint myself by expecting certain things to go the way i want them to. (well-deserved disappointment, though, for being such an optimist and supporting the 1 to 32490381490184 chance that things will turn out right. i know the solutions to my problems. but the thing is, i can't be the one making things happen. woe is life, so am i.)
there's no use ranting about them now, though. there are better things to look forward to, and frankly, those things are the only ones that deserve my time and attention right now.

also, seeing that i have a journal to write in, i am going to refrain from ignorantly typing down my thoughts on public blogsites such as tumblr and blogspot.

i'm not sure what i'm going to use this site for in the future (seeing as i reblog stuff anyway on tumblr). hmm. maybe i'd turn this into a blogsite of relevant opinion, instead of whiny rants nobody really cares about?
(oh god, i talk like a vocab-ignorant white girl now. will have to polish my language further.)

hooray for "being myself".

... back to work.

On second thought (... on love)

2011-12-07T09:52:00.000-08:00

A person is able to love anyone he or she chooses. Given that, how does one decide who to choose? How does one decide who the most suitable person to love is? How would you know who'd be the right decision, and who'd be the wrong one-- for the long run?

First come, first serve? What if someone better comes along later on?

Check out all the choices first before choosing? There are billions of people out there.

Common ground? Don't opposites attract, too?

This is all too confusingggg. If love is just like any other commodity that we can give our own meanings to, based on the context in which we learned of it or heard of it or the context in which we simply understand it, then, by all means, love is relative, and my hopes of having at least one thing on this earth that is absolute has, yet again, shattered.

(I do believe math is absolute, although I'd love to see the same pristine quality with feelings that are close to what is "human"-- not that I'm saying that math isn't close to humanity. Math is just... math. Okay, writing all this just now has lead me to believe that what I'm looking for is some sort of /science/ for love. An objective way to look at things, to deal with things, to understand things pertaining to this... /feeling/. Well, for something that can take over most of our lives, why must it elude all curiosities? Why must the understanding of it just float yards away, out of our reach, when the full understanding of it is a necessity to make the most out of our purposeless existence?)

U_U

TGIF. (not really)

2011-11-18T03:01:00.000-08:00

Today has been an average day; nothing really out of the ordinary happened. Nothing to make me rave about something, nothing to make me rant about something. Nothing really happened.

But when I awoke from a two-hour sleep this afternoon at the library... I couldn't help but feel frustrated.

For one thing, I felt pain pound my head in every move I made. For another, I felt... things. I felt things. I felt lonely. I felt sad. I felt pitiful of myself. I felt jealous. I felt angry. What the hell is up with me?

Lonely, in the sense that, I am an asexual aromantic, and it would be difficult to meet someone of the same kind. Lonely, in the sense that, I go on pseudo-dates with people in a room-- dates in my head-- dates that, had they happened in real life, might've only made me feel uncomfortable and awkward. Lonely, in the sense that, I could have a wide array of crushes, either weak or strong, 'love' or 'infatuation', and yet... I can never imagine myself being with anyone-- lasting with anyone-- staying with anyone for so long. I'm spontaneous, bipolar, and highly imaginative. I don't think anyone's appreciative of those traits nowadays, since it is tiring to be.

Lonely.

Everybody just suits everybody else so well, and it just sucks to know that nobody suits me (or I suit nobody).

Sad. Sad because I can't be consistent when it comes to people. There will always be some I'd treat this way, some I'd treat that way, and some I'd treat all the other ways. And in all the ways I tend to treat people, none of these ways really show anyone who I am, or what I can be. Now, this gets me thinking: why am I too shy? Why am I not assertive? Why can I not express what I want to express when I want to express them? No, I don't think it's because I /care/ about what other people think of me-- let them think what they want. I just... maybe I'm not submissive. Maybe I just tend to over-cater to how I think other people would want me to act like-- and this trait is somehow hardwired into my personality, and it's difficult to take out because I hate disappointing people, ruining their days, annoying them somewhat and rubbing them the wrong way. It just doesn't feel right.

It's sad to know that being myself causes me to not be myself. How ironic.

It's frustrating to have crushes. Especially on friends. Or whatever.

I don't like having crushes, and I don't like having people know about my crushes, because by that time, I tend to take my crushes more seriously, and they're more of a headache to deal with, then! Can I please just... NOT have any more stupid crushes?

Jealousy feels horrible. For one thing, I'd feel guilt along with jealousy, since I don't think people intentionally make you feel jealous. For another, jealousy makes me hate myself so much-- for the fact that I FEEL jealous, and for the fact that I don't think properly when I feel jealous. And by "not thinking properly", I just.... wallow. In depression and self-pity, and I end up hating the world for being unfair, and all that jazz.

It's a very unnecessary emotion, and everyone'd be better off without it.

I really just want to feel happy for people, without any hint of "I want that too" or "I wish I was like that too".

But then again, what do I have to show? What have I got that'll distract me from such silent whims?

Nothing.

These words make me angry. This was not the way I planned to write this blog entry-- but I'll let this pass since it /is/ a blog entry and not some fancy prose poem or something.

I hate it when my head hurts. I hate it whenever I can't effectively express myself. It's annoying, and I hate it.

This was not written how it was supposed to be written, mainly because I'm tired, mainly because my head hurts, and mainly because I want to get this over with so I can sleep already.

Stupid blog entry. I also hope I reread my novel and don't end up feeling even the slightest urge to scrap it.

Goals for November 2011.

2011-11-13T00:55:00.000-08:00

Hey, ho! What do you know?
I'm setting my priorities straight.
--it sure takes some time to think up a rhyme--
I can't believe it took me this late!

Actually, the silly intro-rhyme only took me less than a minute to think up, in contrast to what it says. That would make this the quickest rhyme I'd ever done. I think.

Moving on to more important matters (a.k.a this blog entry's agenda)...

School
Study lessons and work on projects in advance.
Search for course materials. (Exercises, readings, etc.)
Code.

Body & Health
Jog at least once a week to improve stamina.
Exercise at least once a week.

Indulgence
Read (and finish) The Secret Garden.
Continue writing your novel. It doesn't matter if you win NaNoWriMo or not.
Finish Sunday Morning cover to get a move on with your debt of other covers.
Voice lessons every week.
Create a schedule you can (loosely, but still) follow. To keep you in track.

Money
Place any amount of money in savings each day and tally it.
Earn to pay off bank debt (plus interest). Therefore, don't spend too much on food.

Prerog, prerog, prerog.

2011-11-10T03:20:00.000-08:00

The beginning of this sem (2nd sem, SY 2011-2012) has been the first time I EVER tried prerogging. EVER. And God, was it tiring.

Yesterday was the first time I ever sat in a class in hopes that, by the next day, the teacher would accept me as one of his/her official students. Oh God. Physics, the things I would do for you (...though I don't think I can say the same anymore, taking note of the decisions I've made thus far).

I don't think I was able to eat AT ALL yesterday. I spent my breaks sitting through physics classes, trying to get myself a slot in the already crowded classrooms. I was able to make a lot of new friends (whom I was even able to petition with-- talk about persistence!), gain a prerogbuddy (my Comm 3 classmate / CS coursemate!), exercise (walking-running around everywhere, from physics, to math, to DCS, to AS, to CAL, to FC... even to the frikkin' Vanguard(!)...is no joke, seriously).

I am not one who's used to going out of my way in order to talk to people I don't know, so this was like a huge thing for me-- okay, actually, I realized that it wasn't. I was able to assert my needs, I was able to get information that I needed/wanted, I was able to attain important slots, all thanks to talking to strangers. Skill gained, I guess... but I still feel quite... nervous (?)... whenever it comes to interacting with people I don't /really/ have to interact with.

Anti-social or socially lazy. Call it what you may.

Oh, oh. I have a better term: selectively-social. Bullseye.

And the people I "select" are usually... the people I know. Or, better: the people I interact with the most.

But honestly though. If I just knew everyone, then I would just... enjoy being really good friends with everyone.

Buuuut apparently, that can never be the case. Thanks to the huge population this world now holds. And to prejudice. Yes, a lot of thanks goes to prejudice. Be it sexist, racist, "because you're not cool enough for me to talk to you"-ist, "I hate your friends so I guess I should hate you too"-ist, prejudice never seems to falter.

Anyway, prerogging is a tiring, tiring task. But once you get all the units that you need, it'll all be worth it.

Now the only thing left for you to do...

is to actually do your best.

Hardeehar.

This sem is /probably/ going to kill me.

But okay.

I'm going to allow it to.

Ever-so-willingly.

Let us thank my GWA last sem, my parents' concerned smiles, and the sort-of-whatever-scholarship I somehow attained

for my suicide-to-be.

(Don't worry, I'll enjoy myself. I know it.)

Also,

I thank God

for finally getting me to join NaNoWriMo.

I've always been wanting to... but just never had the guts.

The experience is truly wonderful (despite being so far behind the daily quotas).

I think the last time I ever enjoyed writing was back when I was in grade school.

(And the last time I ever joined awesome chatrooms was... well... back when I was in grade school.)

But now, because of all this novel-writing, I think I'm enjoying it again. So much.

Suddenly, all my grammar-worrying and sentence-structure-paranoia have faded into the nothing that they're supposed to be.

I've been an idiot these past few months.

A real idiot--

nay,

a complete ass

(which is far more degrading than being a mere idiot).

But God still helped me through.

I know,

this sounds all cheesy

and unnecessarily religion-y and cult-ish.

But that's what I believe in.

So I don't care.

I shouldn't.

--this was what I should've been doing.

But, thanks to fear, I ended up being so restrained by events-- events that I could have and I should have taken by the neck and strangled.

That is all.

Have a good day.

well that's nice to know

2011-11-07T04:59:00.000-08:00

um
similar stuff okay
ha-ha-ha

y'know
like
it was the person they knew
and trusted
and as it was happening
they just waited
for everything to end

and they couldn't
tell anyone

wait--
let me just--
laugh

i wish nothing ever happened

i wish i was stronger
not only emotionally
but physically
holistically-- yes

this is messed up

nothing can bring me back to the way i was

nothing.

and for Christ's sake, please stop pretending that you care

because everything's already ruined

and there's nothing anyone can ever do about it

thanks

what a wasted life

no reset buttons here

silly

2011-11-06T02:43:00.000-08:00

it might not be possible for one to love two people the exact same way
but these past few weeks have shown me that,
indeed,
it is possible to love more than one person

yes,
the special kind of love
perhaps, platonic, to the highest extent

therefore no,
not romantic

hahrehaeahaehhfajfharjhfra
my life is more complicated than ever

2011-10-29T08:43:00.000-07:00

"I don't understand attraction. Sexual or romantic. And it is by my lack of understanding that I can assume that I am aromantic. My sexual friend tried to explain attraction to me. She fully understands the separation between romantic and sexual attraction and has felt both. In both cases she has said that if you have experienced either, then you know you have experienced it. By this logic I can say that I have never felt either kind of attraction."
-Melorian (from the AVEN forums)

Also:
http://www.asexuality.org/en/index.php?/topic/65100-can-aromantics-fall-in-love/

WOOHOO
I am aromantic.

This is awesome, I feel like I found people just like me. I'm not... alone!

The feeling of loneliness-- the real kind-- is the worst. You feel like nobody can and ever will understand you, just because you think differently. And suddenly, there's this! Suddenly there's a community of these people, perhaps, just like you! It's just... amazing. Now I feel a bit more comfortable knowing that there are people like these-- I mean, I'm not being elitist about what I believe in or anything. It's just in my nature, I guess, to more easily trust people who are similar to me, in more ways than one.

nullified

2011-10-28T22:42:00.000-07:00

October 27 is a day to be remembered.

Coming across horror manga while lurking the interwebs can change your perception of things.

I now have an odd fear of holes.

A pretty useful fear, though.

Yep.

Fear is useful.

(That is, if it doesn't ruin your life.)

I've been plotting the novel I'll be writing for nanowrimo, and so far, it's been preeeetty good.

All that's left for me to do is to write it.

I'm not sure if it's going to be as interesting as I think it would be though.

... hopefully, I'll have enough time to finish this.

I'm still not sure of how to end it, or of how I can make it more interesting...

maybe I should add some sort of murder mystery or something.

LOLJK

Sooo, what's it going to be about, you ask?

Not entirely sure yet. It keeps on evolving in my mind, you see.

I'm more than certain that it's going to have lots of lights though. And coffee. Yes, there's definitely going to be coffee. Tons of it.

It's another one of those "cumulative experiences" novels. Not sure if anyone's even into those kinds of things anymore. But this is, pretty much, what I feel like writing right now.

Normally, I'd be inclined to write about some sort of adventure or magical experience (based on the things I've written as a child), but I felt like it's time for a change, this time around.

I still have, like, three song covers to record (like a bawss), so I have to finish them all by the 31st (before the novel-writing begins).

Ahk, I don't have any idea at all how I'm going to do them, since, y'know, both the guitar and piano hate my guts. (My vocal chords hate me the most.)

It does feel good to be able to do things I want for other people though. Despite the impending suckiness of the outcome, it still feels pretty good.

I wish my voice'd be prettier (and more expressive) than this though.

U_U

Oh, right.

I've been studying since last night, and...

I'm really serious about my acads this time around.

No more hanging out with people too much this sem.

*ninja mode*

I get too easily side-tracked when I'm with people; I need to be focused.

Especially now.

Most importantly, now.

No distractions.

Jason Mraz concert tomorrow.

Good God, I don't know what to do.

I'm scared, but excited at the same time.

I've been having dreams, which were pretty much all nightmares.

Hopefully all my dreams sucked in all the bad that could happen.

...

I'm nervous.

Please, please, pleaaaase,

fashion gods,

please make me look pretty tomorrow

and interesting

and and and cool-awesome-whatever

and not awkward.

Please, I beg of you.

I mean, I know I can't ask to be thinner than usual anymore,

since, y'know, it's my fault for giving in to my idiotic thoughts this sembreak.

But please, please, pleaaaaaaaaase.

Just this one time, can I not look like a goblin/troll/scary creature and look nice.

I need to look presentable in the presence of near-divinity.

Thank you.

Because this blog deserves a decent entry...

2011-10-25T21:59:00.000-07:00

... here you go.

Apparently I can get pretty insane when it comes to blogging. Sorry for that, oh blog of mine. U_U
I've abused you, somewhat. Although this is your purpose.
LOLNO I can't rant on anyone.

I've been having dreams lately. Of... you know. The Jason Mraz concert. Gawd, I'm too excited-- and nervous, at the same time.
Ha. Hahaha. Ha.

I MUST GET THINNER BEFORE SUNDAY SERIOUSLY OKAY. XD
My life depends on it. Or I dunno. I just like thinking gravely so I can actually get things done.
And besides, this isn't for me. Though it sorta is. But it isn't.
kljflejfelkjlgjkfjaldrakjhfkeldkaefjrelkjafjkgslkrjfkj!!!

My dreams have been consisting of the worst things that could happen though. So far, nothing ended up going smoothly. Herpderp.

GUH I MEAN SERIOUSLY, can' I /at least/ be thin (AND STUNNINGLY BEAUTIFUL PLZ) for that one night? I mean I have my entire outfit prepared already andandand I know it doesn't /reaaally/ require me to be thin, but come on, being thin for a special event is still /something/, right? D:

rkslkfrlekf;lewk;lekr I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO HOMG SRSLY
I MEAN, I'M PROBABLY HYPING MYSELF UP TOO MUCH AND STUFF. BUT YEAH I CAN'T HELP IT. XD

... *ahem*
In other news, I still think I'm in love with everyone. U_U I dunno, I just find myself so fascinated with each unique trait a person has, andand why they ended up the way they are now. EVERYBODY IS JUST SO INTERESTING <3

No, seriously.

Although I don't pair people up in my head (... yeaaah I honestly think I'd suck as a matchmaker. But hmm... if I knew EVERYONE that well, then maybe... just maybe... I'd be pretty damn awesome at it.), I reaaaally believe that people'd end up with, well, other people. I mean, come on, with everyone being so lovable and awesome and amazing and brilliant... why wouldn't everyone else love them? XD

As for myself...
LOL.

Let's not even go thereeee.

not even you

2011-10-23T11:36:00.000-07:00

i am
stuck
in a deep well

and not even you
can get me out

sorry

lol

in addition to the previous entry

2011-10-22T10:07:00.000-07:00

GOD
I don't even consider myself a part of the UP community yet, and I'm already in second year and stuff but WHAT still WHAT MAN

D:

guh

ok sorry I think I'm done

my head hurts

faith in humanity, lost

2011-10-22T04:25:00.000-07:00

OKAY, PEOPLE. I am willing to frikkin' let go of my own issues just so I can blog about this crappy-ass CRAPFACE that just GALLIVANTS in out of NO-FRIKKIN-WHERE. THE JERKYJERK. I have never been so pissed at someone for a mere 15 minutes of frikkin' contact IN MY LIFE. EVER. 'TIL TODAY.

So I was with my best buds back in grade school, partyin' (sorta, but I was all tired and crap since y'know, I've really been tired of everything recently, so I guess that made me seem like a huge wallflower-ass. Hrgh.) since it's my friend's birthday and all that.

Then suddenly, a younger guy (who also used to be my school mate back in that grade school) came in and he's all, "LOL I TOOK THE UPCAT AND I CHEATED OFF MY SEATMATE DURING THE MATH PART."

HOW CAN YOU BE PROUD OF THAT MAN!? D: What happened to you? You were like, cooler when you were my busmate back in grade school, back when my mom went to your house to tutor you and stuff. YOU WERE COOL THAT WAY WHAT WHAPPENED OK WHAT

And what's up with the open parties and the drinking and "investments" and shizz. (Not to mention the /possible/ cheating on your girlfriend. Not sure. But daaamn sure looks like it.)
Guuuh I hate how you're rich, how you can just disregard your education because of said wealth.
I mean come on. I studied my ass off for that test. And you're all "lol gonna pass that test".

WHAT

GWAH SORRY I WAS REALLY OFFENDED LOL
I MEAN YEAH I DO SUCK AT ACADS NOW BUT OKAY AT LEAST I KNOW I'M NOT DOING WELL ENOUGH, SO IN TURN, I CAN DO BETTER
BUT OKAY WHAT OKAY WHATTTT

GUH

I DON'T HATE YOU OKAY BUT WHAT LOOK AT YOUR CHOICES BRO
I HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE JUST SO BLATANTLY DISREGARD THEIR EDUCATION
WHICH IS PROBABLY WHY I HATE MYSELF SO MUCH RIGHT NOW, SINCE I GUESS FAILING MY SUBJECTS IS A SIGN OF DISREGARD. AKEFJLEJAFLEKJF BUT MAN WTH MAN.

GUH OKAY what happened to you okay okay OKAY
where is your innocence dear boy let me help you look for it ;_______________;

huhuhu

____________________________________________________________________

In other news, this boy helped me realize some damn good stuff.
That, perhaps, I don't have to be all bitter about the world. People can do whatever the hell they want. I won't hate them for that. (Might just be sad about it though, but yeah.)
All I have to do is to look for the people that I'll be extremely comfortable around. Similar people.

People I can believe.

And that's why there's the internet. That's why there are forums. Dammit, that's why I got into a /forum phase/ back when I was small.

Heh. Too bad the world made me awkward.
THANKS, HIGH SCHOOL. THANK YOU SO MUCH.

Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawd all this bitterness, I don't even know =)))))

BUT DAMMIT, ANYWAY, WORLD, YOU'RE GOING DOWN.
I'LL PROVE YOU ALL WRONG.

... WHATEVER. YOU WON'T GET IT. BUT YEAH.

not sure whether acting up, or really serious

2011-10-21T22:14:00.000-07:00

goodbye, people

you all hinder me, you see

change is inevitable

the inevitable is now

the moon

2011-10-21T11:52:00.000-07:00

the moon smiled at me tonight

a quite sinister smile at that

as if it knew what i was thinking

i want a cheshire cat

2011-10-21T08:38:00.000-07:00

i think i have lived on the world
for too long
that only death
could make me happy

.

2011-10-19T13:42:00.000-07:00

my skin
smells
of yours
sometimes

i writhe

ohmygod you guys

2011-10-19T13:23:00.000-07:00

real life isn't like the movies

so stop acting like it

god

i can be alone if i wanted to

what do you care

god

relationships are for chumps

or maybe i'm just bitter

shut up

jeez just have sex with everyone already

you practically do it in your head all the time anyway

god

if you want someone just because they're physically attractive

then why don't you just go marry a mannequin

god

yeah i'm bitter

but at least i'm not as immature as you

god

UGH I KNOW THIS HATRED I FEEL TOWARDS NO ONE IN PARTICULAR IS GETTING MORE FREQUENT

I HAVE EYES OKAY I CAN SEE

GOD

GOD DAMMIT I NEED A DAMN SCAPEGOAT

and here you are

2011-10-19T12:12:00.000-07:00

not telling anyone
of the things that trouble you

not wanting to dig deeper holes
for the people involved

can you please
for heaven's sake
go be nice somewhere else,
self?

ohmygod

2011-10-19T10:40:00.000-07:00

my attempts at poetry are lame

goodnight

ok i might play a little tetris and then sleep

this is what my entire life has amounted to:

tetris

what the hell i don't even know

and they grow darker

2011-10-19T10:35:00.000-07:00

i would like to die
quietly
in my room
on my bed--

nobody would know
until they decide
that i've slept too long
and
they would try to wake me up,
their voices getting louder
each time

and i would just lay there
so peacefully
in my pajamas
so oblivious to the screams
of the people around me

--or would they even
scream
for me?

i won't know
unless i try

this is what you get
for not paying attention
for taking things for granted
-- that's what i would say.
i would yell,
as a spirit--
a vengeful one--
to those who would mourn

but ah, would anyone mourn
in the first place? all must be happy, for the great burden is gone!

as a spirit,
i would then say:
my body might be dead--
that wasteful form!
we must celebrate!

for my spirit is more alive than ever!

oh, how twisted i have become--
oh, how twisted i have always been

if only i was brave enough,
then i would've
a long time ago

if only i did not have
such beliefs that hinder me
from threatening life

then i would have

i'm not sure if i should be thankful
for a curse

owen the stuffed dog

2011-10-19T10:15:00.000-07:00

i embrace you
thinking you can revert me back
to the child i used to be

i nearly crush you
with this want
to erase
all impurities

nothing happens

stupid dog
(don't let me ruin myself any further--)

can't spell 'loops' without 'oops'

2011-10-19T10:01:00.000-07:00

int main(){

int i,j;

int c=LIFE;

int notRightNow;

int counter;

for(j=0;j<c;j++){

for(i=0;i<c;i++){

printf("When will this all end?");

notRightNow=findAnswers();

}

if(notRightNow==TRUE){

j=0;

}

else if(notRightNow==FALSE){

break;

}

if(counter==TOOMUCH){

justDieAlready();

}

counter+=1;

}

printf("\nWell that was unexpected. Congrats.\n");
c+=1;

mortalDeathAnyway();

}

//predefined variables: LIFE, TRUE, FALSE, TOOMUCH

//let t = time, and x = a finite variable one could count up to in 30 seconds.

// t = current time = (TOO MUCH - x)

pants on fire

2011-10-19T09:38:00.000-07:00

i lie
sometimes

but they're not the bad kinds

they are the ones pertaining directly to me--
people wouldn't care if they were made up or not anyway

'i'm leaving now. what do you want me to get for you?'
'i want this and that.'
'oh, but those things're sort of out of my way.'
'ah, nevermind then.'
'i could get them for you though, if you want.'
'no, no. it's fine. i don't want to be a burden.'
'really?'
'i don't want them anymore anyway. it's fine.'

'would you like more fries?'
'no. thank you. i've had enough.'

'how are you?'
'fine. i've been trying to put a few things together, here and there. but i'm doing... fine. and dandy. fine.'

i am a liar and i deserve to be hanged.

but then again, these are the things people don't really have to know.

therefore
it is entirely different
when you promise me something
and i trust you
and you do not get around to keeping that promise

i would hate you
but i hate how the hatred would easily subside
or how the hatred is not hatred, exactly

i hate that i cannot hate
people who deserve to be hated
by me

'the ones who are so easy to hate
are the ones who need love the most'

what a good excuse to be abused!

holy crap

2011-10-19T09:22:00.000-07:00

my horoscope's so damn accurate

i don't even know

what the hell are these astrologists stalking me or something

because i can totally just make them pancakes

(if they won't mind me burning one or two pieces)

and just ask for advice personally

haha god i need a psychiatrist

i think i'm insane

and realizing i'm insane--

being diagnosed as a crazy person--

is one of the things i fear the most

and i think i'm literally insane

duolc

2011-10-19T09:14:00.001-07:00

i miss you

all the more

when we talk.

for i know

that even if

the circumstances

aren't as they are,

i don't deserve you.

you deserve someone consistent

and someone who can man up

and swallow all their issues down

just for you.

i can't do that.

so please, don't love me.
i am a monster
and people think they can love monsters

but they can't
without turning into one in the process

so don't.
i want you to turn out more than okay
because i know you can.

for i am happy
living all my happiness through you

lol

2011-10-19T09:11:00.000-07:00

lol at the people who think they're in love

there's no such thing as love, silly

not in this world

i'm tired of being female

2011-10-19T09:03:00.000-07:00

with breasts only useful for giving babies their silly needs
jeez just give them powdered milk or something
because seriously i'm tempted to having them cut off if that's the only damned purpose they have
ugh they mess up some nice shirts i have okay
and perverts will be a thing of the past without them
stupid world

and screw this damned reproductive system--
not everyone wants to have babies all the time.
this was obviously not thought out very well.
now everyone's fighting for their damned reproductive health rights
and crap
i wish i was male.
then you could castrate me.
or whatever.

how the hell can i live in a reality where the tiniest things don't even make the least sense?

ok scratch that
i'm tired of being human

inappropriate

2011-10-19T08:46:00.000-07:00

i wonder why some people
tend to be so horridly inappropriate

but then i stop wondering
and start blaming their parents,
and their parents' parents,
and their parents' parents' parents.

it's a mean gene,
this inappropriateness.

it must be stopped.

spam

2011-10-19T08:40:00.000-07:00

i have no one to talk to tonight
so let me re-ignite this blog once more
with words dimmed thoroughly
by the tar
flowing through my veins

help--
i need to make a decision:
should i grow up
like everybody else
or should i just
die
abruptly
?

i've always enjoyed deviating from the norm, so...

cloud

2011-10-19T08:34:00.000-07:00

my thoughts have never been too ardent
or lustful
towards you,
love

i have always revered you
with the purest of intentions
(--there aren't even any)

and i envy you so much for having me love you
this way

11:27pm

2011-10-19T08:28:00.000-07:00

I missed 11:11, but anyway...

I wish people would realize
how much of a hypocrite I am
to the point that they'd want to kill me.
That way,
I wouldn't have to do it
myself.

2011-09-21T00:25:00.001-07:00

my soul still grieves

for a body

lost

crumpled piece of paper

2011-09-19T08:33:00.000-07:00

i've come to a point where
there's nothing better left to do but
hope for the end.

i'm tired.

thoughts

2011-09-17T10:55:00.000-07:00

I didn't do anything today. How's that for a change?

It's odd how my own depression is something I can laugh about with friends.
I find being depressed funny.
I mean, when I look at things from that point of view of a spectator-- which I always end up doing--
I find depression funny.
I find me being depressed funny.
Generally, I find irony funny.

Giving up isn't an option,
but then again, maybe staying isn't one either.

Sometimes I wonder whether or not the things happening to me are consequences of my own actions.
But then I realize: I'm not the center of the universe.
I'm only a speck of dust merely affected by the ripples of another decision for another greater being, by another greater being.
The drama that ensues in my life are merely a consequence of something far more important than... well... my life.
So I should just shut up next time.

My head hurts. I don't feel like doing anything yet.

I don't feel like talking to people anymore. I feel like they're getting too nice. Suspicious.
Also: they have their own issues, again. Why would I seek comfort in people who have probably even more messed up lives than me?
Another thing: other people drive me jealous, it's insane. I feel the urge to steal a car and drive away to who knows where and find out what I can become without anybody pressuring the hell out of me to be carbon copies of them. I want to be different. Not mainstream, not hipster, not anything out of your French films and graphic novels. I want to be different. Perhaps I already am-- but why do I still feel mediocre? Why does my life still seem monotonous?
And no, I think I'm tired of people trying to empathize, sympathize, whatever-thize with me. Maybe I want to be selfish this time and say: this is MY problem, and I'm not asking for any of you to help. I don't give a damn if we're experiencing the same exact thing, because frankly, I think you're doing better or you WILL do better or you WILL succeed in vanquishing whatever the hell must be vanquished. I, on the other hand, shall rot in this disaster I've created, and I shall rot willingly.

If only my ideas would just flow out as easily as failure does so often with me, then maybe I can be a way better person than I am today.

I have so many happy crushes, but frankly, none of them make me happy.

I need a punching bag installed at home.

I've been veering away from all things that would remind me of you. This... makes me sad.
I miss you.
But I shouldn't.
Not because society says I shouldn't.
But because I say I shouldn't.
I am horribly evaluative of myself-- my best evaluator, even-- and I say:
I cannot and should not be worthy of you.
Or of any thoughts of you.
Of any dreams, hopes, and wishes of you.
I should not write about you, for I would not want your character to be tainted by disfigured hands.
I should not even utter your name, for the echoes would merely ring of flaw and imperfection.
This is why we cannot be friends.
Not anymore.

Now, I'm not sure if I can just stop interacting with you--
that would raise suspicion, don't you think?
But I can pretend to dislike you.

And besides,
I don't believe in love anymore.
I think it's more of... a conspiracy... now.
To save the human race.
There's nothing more to that, I guess.
Nothing is constant about it but that.

But would it be hypocritical to say that
whatever I feel for you
shall forever remain constant?

Just asking.

Anyway, I think my life is going to be more monotonous now (if it can actually go further down that path).

Today seems unreal.
I was supposed to take an exam today, but I didn't.
I feel like a rebel-- only, an unwilling one.
I wonder why my will always comes to me so late in the game.
And now, I'm upset and I don't know if I still have it or whatever
but all I want to do is lay on my bed and let time slip by.
Yes, it is unproductive, but I cannot deny myself of what I want-- not now.
I'm tired of casting my net
and not catching any fish.

My efforts are always rendered pointless.
But then again, have my efforts been enough?
I've never been enough, then-- is that what you want me to say?
Never truly enough for this world that keeps on telling me what I should and shouldn't be?
Well I'm tired of giving in to what other people want. I'm tired of not being enough.

I am enough.
I've always been enough.

And I don't need anyone for me to be enough.
Because I already am.

So if the world throws me lemons,
then by thunder,
I will make some damn good lemonade
and I won't give the world a single drop.

I poured my best out on that damn code. Yes, it was my fault for starting late. But I did my best. And I still lack sleep, goddammit.
So you have no right to see me as someone not capable of anything. I'm trying. I mean, come on, I haven't really gone on Facebook for over a week now.
Look, I'm tired, and I can hit you on the head with my guitar so hard. Just agree with me so we can get this over with already.
I don't want to deal with your opinion of me later on when I actually regain whatever the hell one regains after sulking, so I'm dealing with all of it now: I'm not stupid, so stop. Nor have I taken this lightly, so shut up. I'm disoriented and sleepy, perhaps. But yeah. That's it.
It sucks how I sound so defensive. It makes me feel like I'm so full of myself or whatever. In reality, I'm really just tired of having to deal with all my own negative thoughts about myself. This is all probably just some stupid defense mechanism or something for me to continue coexisting with myself. Did that make any sense?

I'll sleep now. Maybe. Yeah. Stupid wasted day.

As I oh-so-gracefully attack my meal (number 31) in a dark corner at the "swankiest place in town", I write my soon-to-be misunderstood... for lack of a better word: crap..

2011-09-01T06:30:00.000-07:00

I spent a quarter of my night

swinging my closed umbrella

like a baseball bat,

rain pouring.

Another quarter was spent

seated in front of a jeepney

watching the pavement become vertical lines

right below me.

At that point,

I wanted to jump out

and join them--

wondering if I would get

tangled

in their motion--

tangled

in their painted dreams

of ripples and curves.

A sudden red light

threw me slightly forward

and I realized

the lines would only turn back

into the dirt road they once were.

So I sat still

as the ground,

back to being lines,

moved me

across the stretch

of lights.

I found myself

on a quest for ambiance;

my will to return home has run away

with my reaper.

They make a great couple.

There is no need to feel envious,

I told myself.

As long as I can still do horrid things

with my bare hands,

then I can compensate.

...I cannot compensate,

or so my reaper told me.

Had he not told me this,

I would have stayed a while longer.

Or worse:

I could be home by now.

Or worse than worse:

my sanity would still be intact.

Insanity feels good.

Tonight, it has been the satisfaction gained from spending all my money on a huge meal, just for kicks.

Tonight, it has been the nonchalant decision to jump out a moving vehicle.

Tonight, it has been the cursing and the swearing at inanimate objects.

Tonight, it has been the fistfights with the molecules and molecules of air, and, whenever lucky, against a cement wall.

Tonight, it has been the bloodbath in my head caused by the mass murder of imaginary people.

Tonight, it has been the brisk splishing and sploshing, shoelaces untied, towards a dark corner picked for the delightful purpose of brooding and typing down words meaningless to its (now dead imaginary) readers, words whose ideas and intent can be blatantly ignored, or perhaps twisted, into something different, something lighter to read altogether, words... whose edges can pierce as effectively as sharp tongues, yet can be easily nullified by an ignorant and apathetic mind.

Words.

Written by an insane yet sleepless teenager struggling through the waves of adolescence's blows.

And I could still feel the hands boring through my skin

and I could hear the words hissing senseless idiocies I'd rather not hear

I could see myself through their eyes and I see filth

and I could smell the stench of guilt and hypocrisy trailing from the cavity my heart used to be in

...

Places that reek of judgment

paranoia

fear

echoes of submission uncalled for

blazing through marble floors and cement walls,

and now through shelves of words, my oh so precious words--

they pop up now and again--

everywhere

and maybe I dislike everyone now

for their dark secrets

...
for their dark secrets that I know of

____________

my body

is fading

through the seams

of my red jumper

(sometimes through the metal buttons,

and sometimes through the pockets)

my pigtails have gone awry

and loosened up,

and now i'm too tall

to pick up the paper planes

sprawled out on the floor

____________

And then there's you.

You are the montage of all things good,

the collage of sunrises and autumn winds,

the reason for the continuous rise and fall of my chest despite my tar-filled lungs and suicidal heart.

Heed my warning: stay away from me.

My worth has lowered since the last time we saw each other.

People who have been

marred

tarnished

impurified

scarred

scathed

shaken

disfigured

broken

murdered

massacred

gored

masticated

mutilated

by time

do not deserve any ounce of yours.

But thank you, anyway.

You helped save a few tears today.

(May those that were lost be remembered forever. May they rest in peace.)

My brain is tired

of vomiting out phrases so filled with anger,

yet when read,

seem harmless and unimportant.

This is why I need a punching bag--

that way, I get thinner.

That way, I wouldn't be sitting in front of a screen and keyboard,

typing down things that don't matter to anyone.

My head hurts.

Probably from my lack of sleep (and the strong urge to stab everyone with the fork right across me).

My cheeks are hot.

Thank you, rain. A fever is all I need right now. Thank you very much.

Like bad glue on a Get Well card.

2011-08-28T04:22:00.000-07:00

I've been singing this song for quite some time now-- it's too beautiful NOT to sing.

I feel like I want to change. I'm not sure why I feel this way every time I fall into a sixty kilometer deep ditch, climb up around 20 kilometers, then fall back down.

Lately, I've been feeling uncaring of things. I don't think I care about what other people think anymore; I do hope this feeling lasts. Now's the time to act and be who I've always wanted to be. I am so sick and so tired of people limiting my capabilities. I am so sick of other's opinions trapping my own in my head. I am so sick of being intimidated.

Hah. There is no way I am going to allow myself to be pushed around by self-hate anymore-- by envy, by pride, by what other people say or do or think. I am my own person, and I should've gotten this into my skull a long, long time ago. I should never, ever, let anyone else dictate what I must do, nor should I let my own negative feelings get in the way of what I want to accomplish.

Yes, I just realized what a wuss I've become, not being able to fight my own battles (or, better yet: running away from them). I need to get my act straight-- I need to be responsible. Of course, once I get enough sleep. Enough sleep is my ultimate weapon.

I know that studying has become a chore-- it used to be something I enjoyed doing, but now, since my grades have dropped (and, not to mention my standards, too), I don't think studying is any fun anymore.

It's annoying to realize how much time I've actually wasted, sleeplessly trying to get by life like a wandering ghost with no present and no future. I need sleep. I need tons of it. I need inspiration.

Thankfully, I've got a ton of happy crushes I see everyday, and honestly, they make my days more livable and worthwhile (not as much as how my friends and family make my life a bit less cumbersome though). Although I don't know, I think I do need to set a huge goal for myself-- for my future. I need to fall back in love with my course, if I want to excel in it. But we are in gravely bad terms right now.

I need to study soon. Not now though, but soon.

I'm also in bad terms with God. I haven't been... good, I guess. I've been spiraling down negative thoughts lately, thoughts that are against Him, perhaps. They may be petty, but they are hurtful, nonetheless. Sorry, I think I do need a scapegoat for all my problems, and I can't blame anyone else-- not even myself, because if I end up blaming myself another time, I think I might just explode. Ah, I feel bad-- but I need this-- like some sort of shady investment. But oh, He knows I love Him. I'm just... being a spoiled brat right now I guess. Just trying to make sense of the mess I'm dealing with. He understands. He ALWAYS understands. That's why He's the best.

Mmmmmmmf.

I think that's all for tonight.

Going to play more Sims.

meh

2011-08-27T10:49:00.000-07:00

Recorded this two nights ago. ~~(I'm such a crybaby.)~~ I think I feel a lot better now. I still think my life sucks though, but hey, that can always be fixed, right? And besides, I think now's the time for a change.

Floating

2011-08-22T20:51:00.001-07:00

everything has been pointless,

as of late

(because everything truly is)

Second in one night/morning

2011-08-16T12:20:00.000-07:00

I am so mad at myself right now, you don't even know

ugh

Stupid ass self, this is why you don't deserve your clouds and your sunshine and whatever crapfest of names you can come up with for that damned person you've always dreamed of.

Go to hell, you. Because that's all you deserve ugh shsihsiheihsitsithshtishithsith

Look, I love you, self, but oh my God if you keep on being a hypocrite and being so easily swayed into things, thn god-frikkin-dammit, you're better off dead

UGH

go die in a fire

go kill yourself or something

because ugh pffft

you are stupid

and immature

and selfish

and YOUR DAMN SLEEPINESS CAN DAMNED COST YOU YOUR LIFE GODDAMNIT

and shit you're supposed to be doing your homework right now

(YOUR SUPPOSED "REDEMPTION" HOMEWORK, BUT EFF THE EFFING EFF, YOUR PROF WILL HATE YOU FOREVER ANYWAY BECAUSE OF YOUR DAMNED FUCKED UP REPORT-- but what could you expect from a fuck-up anyway right)

Goddamn you you don't deserve anything good at all

so go rot the fuck away for all I care

and complain all the fuck you want about your life

but you deserve every fucking thing you get so fuck you

fuck you for existing

and fuck you for being you

thank God you're destined to be alone because fuck you deserve it so damn much it's almost ironic

fucking hell i'm out of fucking sleep again god fucking fuckery shit

i almost know what the hell's going to happen tomorrow:

gonna get called in math

gonna fuck up the answer

sir's gonna fucking yell at me or something

gonna fucking leave math class like nothing fucking happened, because fuck, i'm such a fuckface that way

then i fucking cram

then i fucking don't finish what i'm cramming

then i fucking enter cs 30 and i fucking sit down and fucking drool because i fucking don't fucking understand fucking anything while everyfuckingone else in the fucking room does because FUUUUUCK somehow someone fucked up so bad, he made it seem like /i/ earned myself a slot in a fucking class filled with fucking smart people who don't even fucking need to go to fucking school anymore unless school is for fucking showing the fuck off.

then i'm going to get fucking dismissed late from that fucking class and i'm gonna chase all the fucking jeepneys.

then fuck i reach class and sir will eye me sternly and fuck that's just fucking great because i kinda have this small crush on sir

fuck

and ugh damn it man because i didn't finish cramming the mediocrity i created, sir will like, BLARE OUT ALL HIS DISAPPOINTMENTS AT ME

and fuck i'd like probably

cry in front or something

and fucking melt away into the air

BUT NO, FUCK NO

sir won't allow that because he's not yet done humiliating me!

fuck yeah fuck he's going to fucking wring me out of the fucking wind

and fucking continue blabbering on about how the fuckery i did shouldn't have been a fuckery

SHIT MAN

fuck i fucking hate cursing but look at all this fucked up fuckass dumb cursing that doesn't even make sense

=_____________________________=

i hate this fuckery

and i want to be alone

fuck

but every time i say this, i get swayed into interacting with people anyway

SO FUCK THAT

fuck i hate this

and my birthday is coming up and fuck i don't think anything can make me happy anymore
fuck all i fucking want is fucking solitude and peace of mind... or maybe someone to just fucking surprise me but fuck i don't fucking want to be a burden so fuck all this crap fuck me and my sucky issues ugh fuck just fucking leave me alone

goddamn sleep, escaping me all the time

and fuck don't get me started on them clouds.

... they deserve better than this shitload of fuckery i've become/i always was. fuck.er.y. fuck my life.
have you ever loved someone so much that you don't even want to be with them anymore, for fear of ruining the current happiness they might have?

...

fuck love

fuck this shit

Crying alone in an elevator.

2011-08-16T11:49:00.000-07:00

Check.

#iamsuchadramaqueen #whatintheeffwasithinking #ugh #icouldvebutididnt #WHYDIDNTI #GOTOHELLSELF #puuuunyeta

fragments

2011-08-13T23:39:00.000-07:00

I thought it was weird-- I knew it was weird.

This wasn't the first of its kind this week.

Why, just this Tuesday, seated right across us was this...

Hmm.

How do I explain this...

There was this guy.

And he would've been just another guy,

another coffee-sipping,

keyboard-clacking,

cutesy-wootsie guy--

if only he did not resemble so much of what you looked like.

Or what I thought you looked like.

Or what I've always dreamed you looked like.

Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse,

the place lit up with a song I could only ever associate with you.

Between conversing and simply breathing,

I caught myself smiling as I continued eyeing this guy (hoping that, of course, he would spare me of shame by not looking straight back at me)...

although wondering why the universe just had to make me see him.

I could've gone my entire life without seeing such a guy,

yet there he was,

right in front of me,

taunting me with not only our anti-proximity,

but also with the spoonfuls of "contentment" I force-feed myself

when it comes to matters of you.

Ah, but just like with the numerous permutations of 1s and 3s I end up seeing oh-so-often, I shrugged it off.

I manage to shrug such similar things off quite frequently. Sometimes, without even knowing it.

Dark, sunken eyes somehow manage to catch my attention-- a living testament of this would be this affinity I have for a certain professor of mine, also, a certain classmate of mine, also most actors, etcetera, etcetera-- and I end up being too drawn to the seemingly tired, yet gentle stare of those eyes, those droopy yet still glimmering eyes, that I end up committing fallacies, believing that I'm impressed by the ones who bear those eyes, when, in fact, the eyes only ever remind me of you.

Your eyes-- windows to your soul pasted on blurred figures and painted faces... on strange strangers and passersby. Tell me, why must you hide behind such veils of obvious anonymity? Why hide behind the people I end up favoring-- end up admiring-- end up placing on pedestals and carving on marble?

Why taunt me in such ways, when I ask not to be taunted?

Ah! But you don't only taunt me with your ever-present eyes.

Prevalent and scattered are all your intricacies, all your passions, all those that are of you,

that I end up remembering what I should forget.

(Or should I even forget? Nay-- do I want to forget? ...nay--)

Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind?

Ah, but you are my sunshine (and so the name of the song emerges from my words).

A spotless mind is useless when the heart remembers everything.

But... the thought of merely thinking of you lingering in such a place and time that does not call for feelings as gravely beautiful as this to flourish... it forces me-- nay-- scalds (!) me with the reality that, ah! I cannot express the one thing I want to scream to the heavens-- resorting to vague words and suspicious spaces and artful breaks is, sometimes, never enough! I must soar, I must act, I must create something more than just words that speak only with the voices assigned by minds that aren't mine!

A film! Art! Theater! I want to try it all! I want to feel! I want to be passionate! I want to thrive in all the inner-glory and satisfaction that comes with all kinds of self-expression!

And once the show is over,

I would bow, then look up,

and somewhere, in the crowd,

you would be there,

nodding your head in approval.

And I would be invincible.

Sometimes, when I close my eyes, I see you glaring at me

(with that glare I know so well-- as I have been unfortunate to have been glared upon by the likes of you a few moments back),

as if I've done something wrong...

as if I've cheated--

not on you,

but on my feelings for you.

(Not that you would, in reality, care.)

Perhaps,

I have.

But I won't give you a dumb,

selfish reason as

"I wanted to forget."

--above all else,

that is a lie,

and you deserve things far better

than twisted words and made up realities.

I would tell you this, however:

"I may fall in love

with every other person in the world

for I am easily pleased,

for I easily fall for the things unseen by the naked eye--

for the abstract and radical,

for the intangible and, at times, unreal.

But do not be afraid

(I know you are not-- for how could you be so affected by all this?),

for, in the end,

nothing can capture me so greatly

as you have.

But... perhaps... I would like to stay optimistic,

and think that I would be,

in the future,

somehow,

somewhere...

stolen from you

(not that I'd allow myself to, though).

But I know exactly what would and what could,

and knowing is not always so nice--

these are the times when I believe

ignorance truly is bliss.

But ah! I have gone off babbling about the unimportant.

...you are my muse.

All poems, stories, and ideas flooding out of my head are...

if not about you,

are fueled by you.

You are what makes me tick,

you are the reason why I can love so much of the world in the first place--

the reason why I could be so set on giving so much of my heart to everything and everyone.

(This gives you quite the advantage now, doesn't it?)

I am somehow led to believe

that we (or, at the very least, I ) will never be able to end up with the ones we truly want,

and that, most likely,

we (or, I ) will only end up settling for what is near

or what seems to be satisfactory

as of the moment.

You see, I am rendered too intimidated by what I feel

that nothing could possibly go right if ever we do find ourselves trapped in one exact same moment,

one exact same frame of time,

one exact same plane in space.

And I will never be comfortable around you,

for to me,

you are someone I have to please all the time--

or at least, that was what I thought

before the beginning of this school season.

Somehow,

I've gained enough... maturity (?)

to allow me to be constant around people... when I try, at least.

And so being comfortable around you now makes me feel a bit...

odd.

Like this is what I've wanted to be all along.

Like I've re-realized what I've always dreamed of.

Like... when I watch those replays on Disney or Nick,

and they never seem to get old.

Ah, I'm sorry-- my words have become superfluous in the past few paragraphs,

and what I really want to say has been lost with each key pressed on my keyboard.

I just want you to know

that it is still and will always be you,

despite the bombardment of newer thrills in my current social life.

The world has been unraveling too much of itself to me as of late...

so much so that I've been having a hard time allowing myself to be... devoured... by the murderous reality that governs all of us.

--I've been having trouble growing up and accepting things.

It has been difficult, but you have kept me sane, despite me constantly shrugging off things and instances that remind me of you.

So thanks again.

...I'm probably beginning to sound insincere for the many thank-yous I've already pretend-told you.

But just like everything else in all our pretend-talks,

I mean each word.

Each 'thank'

and each "you.

... thank you."

Quite long for a simple message. Simple, redundant message. Hasn't this been what I've been pretend-telling you for quite some time now?

...

I've grown... used to this life

that has only fragments of you

subtly and arbitrarily placed in what is usual,

trying not to be noticed.

(Though I notice.)

I sometimes think of how easily it would be

to forget

how much you mean to me,

for I get too easily distracted

by the now

(but shouldn't we all be?).

Sometimes I even

think that

maybe,

there is nothing at all.

Nothing anymore.

Nothing, to begin with.

That all this was blown up

by the desperation of not having anyone.

That all this was expanded into an enormous size

by the need for a container

of romanticized thoughts.

That all this was just another literary work

written by my actions

written by my thoughts--

with you and me as the protagonists--

my life, parchment,

my soliloquies, ink--

the discovery of a new medium.

But alas,

why is it that when things are most real,

it is always you that first comes into mind?

The songs, the dreams, the films, the plays...

This... this is real.

So real, in fact, that I find it to be a violation towards my own existence to even accuse this of not being real.

(With that being said, I am a threat to my own existence. Though I have to say: doubt is perfectly human.)

But you're real too.

And that changes things.

I could go on and continue loving a figment of my imagination

for the rest of my life

and not feel any hint of sadness.

(Even though, say, we couldn't be together, even in my mind-- though I'm not sure if I want to be together with you in the first place.)

But you, my dear, are real.

Meaning,

I can disappoint you.

I can anger you.

I can make you despise everything that I can be.

I can hurt you.

I can screw things up.

And these realities crush me so much,

knowing that the world can spin too quickly

and change.

I am dust.

A speck--

Ah, look at the time.

I have to study.

ah, useless emotions

2011-08-10T10:00:00.000-07:00

You do know that feeling, right?

That feeling when you get left out of something great, like a nice conversation you would've loved being a part of, a simple night out with good people, the Christmas list of someone you considered a friend, an awesome party, a film discussion, a trip to Tagaytay with family... and the list goes on.

It's odd how you can't shake off the feeling that they did this deliberately to make you jealous or to make you more miserable than you already are... but then again, I guess it's just a normal feeling, isn't it? Life goes on (without you).

I feel it from time to time, this oddness. Sometimes it just gets to me, and I end up either falling too quiet or trying too hard to be part of the nothing that's currently happening.

Ah, but things can be coped with-- that's what the world expects us to do, anyway.

... there /is/ a worse feeling than this, however. So let me move on to that.

Have you ever felt left out, but then you're physically there anyway, yet still, somehow, some invisible barrier just shoves you aside like you're nothing?

Yup. Being out of place.

OP-ness... in all it's glory.

AH! But dig deeper than the common OP feeling and you'll get something worse.

The feeling that you /technically/ belong, that you /technically/ understand everything mentioned, that you and the people around you are pretty much /technically/ alike... yet somehow it feels as if you're left out.

Now this is where it will all seem deliberate, though it really isn't.

It just seeeeeems like it.

Veeeeery much.

Are you sure it isn't deliberate?

And then your mind begins searching through numerous possibilities!!!

Was it because I didn't show up at someone's birthday last week?

Was it because I fought someone they probably knew?

Was it because I bought the last bowl of cereal, and one of them was waiting in line after me to order exactly that?

Was it because I broke up with someone they know?

Was it because I accidentally broke one of their headphones when I borrowed them?

Is it because I embarrass them in public by the way I look/act/dress/speak?

And you'd end up thinking it's either this, or that, or no, this!

And then you realize you're a paranoid wreck, thinking of crap that should not concern you anyway.

But you keep on thinking, and thinking, and thinking.

And thinking.

And then you get all depressed.

And sad.

Because you're paranoid that way and you don't want anyone to hate you for some crap because you never meant to offend anyone.

Then you end up seeing people's lives get better without you.

And then you sulk and dismiss this as the worst feeling ever.

And then you blog.

But hah, that's NOT the worst feeling ever.

The worst will always be heartbreak. Disappointment comes in a close second.

This emotion is so useless, it should be banned.

I mean, I know people don't do things to deliberately take me out of something, so I shouldn't be overreacting.

But it happens.

Internally, at least.

I can feel too, you know.

I feel envious a lot.

I feel angry sometimes too, I guess.

I am capable of feeling fragile, and lost, and alone, and sad because of all of it (compared to the usual ~contentment~).

I am human.

And it sucks, because I try to hide it most of the time but... I am human. In case you didn't know.

I feel hurt. I feel overprotective and overprotected. I need attention. I need love. I need support.

I need to be passionate about something.

And, above all else,

I need sleep.

Haha. Would've ended it there, if not for the dangling point.

I am, by default, a "happy" person.

But you know, sometimes, shallow things get to me.

I hope you understand, oh blog of mine (seeing that I'm not talking to anyone in particular here u.u), that, I, too, can be illogical--

that I, too, can want attention so badly as to go on and rave about not having the proper kind.

That I, too, can become an attention-whore because it's pretty lonely having a mind closed off to the rest of the world.

Just letting you know.

...

Ok, ok, you got me.

This entry is, most likely, for me to accept that I'm actually fussing over something so stupid.

Damn, I have to type in an "I hope you understand" every tiiiiiiiiiime when all I really want to do is to understand MYSELF.

I don't like feeling this way when there's nothing even being done directly to me.

And there's really nothing logical with how these emotions all began spewing themselves onto me in the first place.

=n=

Stupid emotions, go away. You're all stupid.

Except for you, passion.

You stayed with me tonight... can you stay with me forever?

(And will it help if I say that I missed you a lot?)

*sigh*

I can live with this, though.

I mean, I have.

For a fairly long time now.

I just see no point in them.

Moving Pictures

2011-08-08T04:59:00.000-07:00

Text to add:

I feel greatly productive today for some reason.

I feel so aliiiive and well and I got enough sleep and I'm happy (although I missed two classes).

I love myself again.

Shorts (film reviews/critiques/analyses)

2011-08-07T09:21:00.000-07:00

Google Chrome keeps on crashing on me. Maybe it's because I haven't shut down my computer in... I dunno. More than two weeks?

So right now I'm using Internet Explorer. I have no idea why, since I know I have Firefox installed here somewhere.

(Oh, there it is.)

My Chromey has everything I need on its Bookmarks Bar. Neat and organized (juxtapose that to my life aaaand... yep. Definitely more neat and organized than that heap o' crap.), just the way I want it.

Now, IE doesn't have all my settings on it.

I am lost.

I actually had to experience logging in my FB, Twitter, and Tumblr accounts today.

Nope, I don't log out.

Yep, I am not accustomed to logging in (unless on a different computer).

I was just... bored out of my skull, sitting in front of my poor, tired Clyde (... my computer).

When all of a sudden, I felt like typing things down.

"Now what was the site for that again...?"

Oh right.

Blogspot/blogger.

I can't believe I had to type down "blogspot.com" on my address bar today, when I could've just clicked that orange B button on my bookmarks bar.

Graaah.

Sorry.

The slightest of bad instances piss me off today, it seems.

(Because my life is not something I'm a fan of, anymore.)

So... I opened this up to rant about my life and how much I hate it,

but I think you've heard/read enough of that,

right?

*crickets chirping*

... RIGHT!

So now, I'm just going to write some reviews/critiques/analyses for some short films featured at the Cinemalaya Goes UP event.

Better now than never.

Bear with me though-- I sort of forgot the film titles, but I guess I remember the sequence.

So shall we begin?

(I won't be typing down any summaries though. I'm just here to review.)

Hanapbuhay

Good film.

Good actors.

I love how it plays around with you at the beginning--

you don't know what's happening,

you don't know if the main character is even thinking straight or not.

Good things come to those who wait, as they say...

but then again, watching the film, and being the smartass that you are,

you wouldn't want the solution to be shoved right up your nose.

Yeah...

since you're such a detective novel junkie, you might as well should solve this case.

That is, if you get to solve it first.

THAT IS, if you know WHAT to solve first.

"Why is he acting that way?"

"I thought he was going to work...?"

"What the hell is he doing?"

"... is this man actually jobless?"

And then the film slaps you in the face with a

"He IS trying to do his job-- no, no-- he's going BEYOND doing his job."

Amazing.

Well-written.

I wouldn't have guessed-- no, really. I don't even know what to guess.

I didn't even know what was happening.

And then the end just kicked me right in the head and got those gears working again.

... the colors

used in the film

made me sort of... feel... that the main character was in a different world.

That, somehow, as he stepped out of his house, he went to somewhere different.

I guess the colors (contrast, brightness, etc... and maybe the overall cinematography) contributed to how I thought everything was in his head, from somewhere around the beginning (when he steps out of his house) to the near-end of the film.

The colors were part of the deception.

(The jest-y music too, I guess.)

Well-done, post-production team.

The concept.

The concept is stupendous!

I mean, sure, it is about a man just trying to do his job...

but come on.

When your job greatly depends on the death rate of your town, then that's something different.

And to be able to tell it in such a way... a quiet way where people mostly rely on visuals instead of dialogue... that is amazing.

No further explanations needed.

Ah.

An impoverished man just trying to get more money.

T'was a play on morality.

If you worked for a funeral service company, what would you wish for?

Money, of course.

And how would you gain money?

That would greatly depend on the number of deaths.

And here, in the film, we can see that the main character actually... provoked(?) death to take other's lives.

The breaking of the medicine bottles, the yelling at the officers to shoot, the wanting the woman to be ran over by a vehicle...

but then everything changes when he meets this man attempting suicide on the bridge.

This, my friends, is the turning point-- the climax, of the story.

Nope.

The ending isn't the climax.

It is this scene, my friends.

This scene.

(Or so I'd like to think.)

The suicidal man spoke of a family he works hard for...

but then he has lost all hope.

To top it all off, his wife cheated on him.

So in this scene, we have a dreadfully hopeless man.

And here comes mister "go die, all of you, so I can have my money", and he sees the man... and the man shares him his story.

Our main character doesn't stop him until he mentions his children.

Until he says, "Maiintindihan naman nila yung gagawin ko, hindi ba?"

And then our main character speaks:

"Paano yung mga anak mo?"

...

And then the man decides to stop his attempt.

This scene, now that I look back on it, is a huge thing for our main character.

The man who wants the death rate to increase just talked another man out of suicide... how weird is that?

Why?

Because he was able to relate to the man--

he knew the hardships of "paghahanapbuhay".

He knew, he knew.

But he was better than the suicidal man--

he knew that he was doing it for a reason:

his family, his children.

He had to work for them.

This is where we, the audience, are supposed to figure out that our main man here has a heart--

that he's only wishing for people's deaths because of a job-- a job that gives his children food to eat.

(compare this to one of my first few guesses that he's a man so mad at the world that he wanted people to die)

Alright, maybe that wasn't the turning point.

Maybe that was the turning point for our main man.

Our turning point was when we figured out where he worked.

And what does this film have to say about society?

That people have hearts, no matter how much their jobs influence them to think otherwise (or to act so otherwise).

At least, that's what I think it says.

Oh, oh! Another one.

The ending, wherein gunshots are heard and when the main character's son looks at him with such joy brought a slight tingle down my spine.

Ah, so innocent.

The thought of gaining money when another dies. But then again, what is death to a child?

When I was small, death seemed to be like a dream to me.

I thought it was impossible to die.

That, in real life, people died, and it didn't hurt.

And then we somehow end up living again.

But life isn't that way, is it?

K, just wanted to add that.

Overall, the film was good... but I don't think it's the kind that I, or anyone else, should watch only once

(if a good enough review/analysis/critique is what you want to write).

With that being said, I don't think I wrote anything good--

I'm sure I missed something, since everything isn't explained at the beginning.

There was the scene with the purse falling to the ground-- one I don't understand.

I must watch this film again.

Everyone should.

Because during the second time, everything'd make sense.

Oliver's Apartment

Don't know the actual title, sorry.

Good film,

ugly video quality.

I found this film to be... very mysterious.

Very mysterious indeed.

It was a silent film.

No dialogue.

Just images.

The OC-ness of the main character was very effectively portrayed-- so many good images contributed greatly to this effectiveness.

Although I'm pretty much bothered by so many things... namely:

what, exactly, did the filmmakers want to achieve with this film?

Did they want the watchers to pity the man, knowing his condition? How it has eaten him up-- eaten up all his time for love, for life, for fresh air-- how it has planted so much fear deep into his heart (as shown in the last scene)? Or did they merely want to expose what OCD can do to a person, leaving it up to us what to feel about it?

Whatever the hell their purpose for the film was,

I'd like to say...

that is was brilliant.

Yes, yes. I know.

I think it's more difficult to displease me than to please me.

But.

I do have my reasons.

It was brilliant, for it was... different.

I was just... sitting there, watching a film, trying to figure out the plot, trying to guess what's going to happen next.

The most action-packed part of the film (in terms of how much thought it required the viewers to conjure) was the part when a letter/notecard was slid through his door.

It sort of acted like a habit breaker to both the viewers and to the main character.

"OCD OCD OCD OCD... oh look, a note! Finally, some plot development!"

And then, for some reason, the girl he's been stalking leaves forever.

And then he reads the note.

And then he leaves his apartment.

And just when you think something more vivid is going to happen... the film ends.

This film is all about monotony-- and I'm not saying that as an insult.

It was, most likely than not, intended to be monotonous.

It was intended to show monotony.

It was intended to make the audience feel the monotony of a disordered person's life all throughout the film.

Well, aside from the part where his stalkee didn't show up at her designated time.

That one wasn't supposed to be monotonous-- it was supposed to be heartbreaking.

And break did my heart.

Aaaagh. I can't put into words how beautiful this film was/still is for me.

I can just feel his disappointment-- his lack of all kinds of lives-- his lack of freedom due to his disorder,

due to his fear of the outside world.

But at the end, ah! The end is the turning point!

He steps out.

The note from someone he loves urges him to be courageous and to step out of what he's comfortable with.

And he ends up... sort of lost, for he has been too scared for too long that he doesn't even know how to cross the street anymore.

And you can just feel it-- at this scene-- all the pity you have for this man just blow up infinitely.

Ah, OCD. You are such a bad seed.

I remember watching this program on Bio wherein they were trying to get rid of this one person's OCD. It was... difficult. And dramatic. OCD was ruining this man's life and he wanted it out.

This film did NOT do what that program did-- it did not scream out the need to get the OCD out, it did not scream out for help.

It merely whispered.

It did not even ask for help.

It merely whispered and asked to be noticed.

The man in the film seemed contented with his life.

He seemed alright with it.

He seemed comfortable with it.

It's just that, as viewers, and seeing this,

we know what it's like to live normally,

and we end up pitying him, I guess, because we know how to live life without any boundaries set by any disorders.

This is exactly why I want to know what the filmmakers' purpose for this film is.

If they wanted us to see how contented these OCD-stricken people are with their lives (minus the drama and the self-aware "I HAVE OCD, HELP ME" yelps), or if they wanted us to be more aware of their situation and not mock their condition-- to be more sensitive to their calling.

Or did they make this film to have us decide what to feel about OCD? If it's a jail cell, an oddity, or if it's actually something that can protect us and make our lives more organized and whatnot?

Or if it should even be considered a disorder... or a way of life?

And how, if it isn't a disorder, this particular mindset can affect everything?

Brilliantly and gracefully done.

I am in love with the last scene (with the plastic bags on his shoes and the hugging of his briefcase).

And GOD, all this done with images.

And music... ah! The music was brilliant, as well.

Everything worked like cogs together.

Immanuel/Emmanuel

NOT ENTIRELY SURE whether or not this is the title. Not even sure how it's spelled.

But daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamn this film was GOOD.

This was probably the first sci-fi Filipino film I've ever watched, so I greatly appreciated it.

Maybe a little too much.

Amazing concept-- earning oxygen cubes instead of money.

Sort of like real life, only more grave-- you directly need oxygen for survival.

Money only indirectly makes you survive.

I love how everything was really set up to look dystopic and hopeless, yet sort of technologically... different due to the oxygen need.

Here, we are presented with tons of hardship one family faces.

Thieves/deception.

Losing due to gambling.

Getting fired from an important job.

And during the Christmas season, too.

But because oxygen is a need far more graver than money, the consequences shown in the film are much, much graver.

Basically the film was all about poverty and how a family gets by especially during trying times.

How money (which, in this case, is oxygen) is rationed depending on the needs of each member of the family.

In the end, the film is all about survival-- most probably told from a Christian perspective.

Christmas-- Christ.

Immanuel/Emmanuel-- a name meaning "God is with us."... which is also the title of this film.

(Then there is this constant dilemma of what the main characters should name their son, so yeah I guess it only hit me now that they most likely named their son Immanuel/Emmanuel.)

Connect the dots, and this film is about how people will always end up surviving, as long as they don't give up, and as long as there are others who continue loving them. They will keep on living... by God's grace, they will.

But then again, being a pretty long short film... it did get to touch more ideas, more concepts, than that Christian belief regarding survival.

There's the "ganyan talaga ang buhay/life's like that" thought going around in the movie, which was mentioned in the movie by those who are contented, or are in a higher position in life, namely our main man (the dad), and his boss.

I found that line pretty ironic since it was thrown right back at him during the time he needed some oxygen cubes.

Then there's this other concept: helping people, then being deceived by those you helped.

These are trying times, people.

We cannot trust anyone too much.

We must always be alert.

Very real.

Then there's a hint of... corruption?

Possibly?

At the oxygen cube company?

Yes.

Again, very real.

So much reality mirrored.

Isn't that what films should be doing-- they should be making people realize what is real?

Amazing. Reality mirrored through a sci-fi piece.

...now that I think about it, the character development was pretty good, I guess... compared to the other films. I grew sort of... attached to them (especially to the wife). The man and the woman each had distinct characteristics. The man was hardened by the reality that was going on, only thinking of his family, ready to take a chance to be able to keep them living. The woman was kind-hearted, willing to aid those in desperate need, and willing to sacrifice her own life for others.

This film wins... though I think I was pretty bothered by that voice announcing stuff at the oxygen cube factory. It didn't sound... assertive enough.

Then there's the ending wherein we were just sort of left hanging.

It was... abrupt.

Suddenly, everyone was happy again.

It's as if nothing was resolved, a few of my friends say.

But I guess that's the entire point.

It's Christmas, isn't it?

They aren't supposed to be sulking about lost jobs and oxygen cubes.

They're supposed to be celebrating for their lives-- they survived another year!

They survived.

Immanuel.

God is with us.

That is the point of the entire movie.

The ending could've been executed a little better though-- or perhaps my memory is just marred with bias, as of now?

I'm not sure.

I must watch this film again.

I loved the concept.

Awesome work.

The acting was excellent.

Debut

This film is the one I've actually been waiting for... and it only lasted for around 2-5 minutes.

I loved it, though, despite its similarity to the story within "Ang Babae sa Septic Tank".

At first we see a girl. Pretty. Being dressed up in white.

Ribbon in her hair.

I love how this film was in black and white-- it added to the sort of spooky aura the film gave off.

The music made it sort of... innocent-ish, I guess.

If I closed my eyes and only listened, the song might've sounded like a lullaby one would sing to a child.

So I guess that's why it sounded innocent.

Mixed in with the images of a girl being prepared for something big, it's as if the film, at this point, was about a girl leaving childhood and entering the messy world of being an adult.

And so the images linger on.

White ribbon.

White dress.

Purity.

Innocence.

And then we end up in a dark place.

And the woman the girl is with ends up giving her away to a man.

And suddenly, everyone knows what happened here.

But the girl willingly goes anyway.

Ah, how appropriate is the title?

... appropriately ironic.

It tells you,

"This is growing up.

Desperation exists--

the thirst for money rules supreme--

and people can sell other people to quench this innate thirst for value and wealth...

and you, my dear, should learn all this.

You should accept this.

You should live by this."

Boom.

The girl still smiles in the end.

As if she knows that she must.

As if she knows that it's a process she must undergo.

As if she knows that it's normal.

Boom.

Though short,

'tis an amazing film I'd love to watch again.

I love the music.

Creepy vibes.

The ending was the creepiest.

*sigh*

I love it when filmmakers play with the concept of innocence juxtaposed with images of maturity-- of sex, of drugs, of human nature.

I love it.

It makes me want to hold on to my innocence more tightly.

Hazard

AHA! THIS FILM WAS OUTSTANDING!

For some reason, I found it very humorous.

I absolutely loved the beginning.

Scenes inside the car with the radio blaring out tons of (probably bad) news about the country, then they get cut off by scenes of a field. Scenes of a field. And of quiet.

Yes, I love the beginning.

Very, very peaceful.

Then I found the father and son bonding time quite... touching.

By the looks of it, the two haven't really bonded as much, so I guess it was nice to see the dad teach his son how to drive.

At this point, I thought it'd end there.

I thought the entire story'd be about father and son bonding.

Or the importance of a strong father and son relationship.

But noooo.

There had to be some dead guy in another car.

Haha!

So this sort of changes everything.

From father-son bonding, to father-son conflict.

Character depth didn't quite do it for me-- there was room for deeper discovery.

But yes, I do love this theme-- again, innocence/naivety versus experience/responsibility.

What I absolutely love about this film is that it makes you question who to side with.

I mean, come on, disregarding the kid's stupidity for throwing the gun into the field of grass,

and for the father's incessant cursing due to conflict and disappointment...

who would you side with?

Which one is good, which one is bad?

Now this is where everyone'd have varied answers.

The child is naive in the sense that he wanted to help this dying guy without considering the other factors usually concerned with murders: witnesses, trials, testimonies, fingerprints, evidence, the number of people you have to talk to to get your name cleared, suspects, gangs, the mafia, etc.

Yup. That's the real world, kid.

But then again, I do understand your need to help some dying guy in a car.

Because come on, he's still breathing.

There's still hope.

His father knows all of these things, and he tries to get him to understand the amount of responsibility it would take to actually bring the dying man to the hospital.

It's one thing to be a good noodle, but it's another thing altogether when you're being placed under suspicion for attempted murder.

His point is: things will get messy, and they will get involved in a circle of crap they don't know of.

So... what?

Get involved and risk your own life to save this dying man?

Or turn your cheek and not risk anything at all?

Decisions, decisions.

Weigh your choices properly.

The bottom line is: lives are on the line, and when lives are on the line, priorities change.

(Take the father, for example, when he was chasing his son-- he forgot to wear a seatbelt, and he was still on hazard. He directly violated everything he taught his son.)

Hazard is a very appropriate title, don't you agree?

@O@

This film is just.

Grand.

Raises so many questions.

(Makes it a bit more interactive that way.)

Brilliant.

(I side with the kid on this one, though. But that's just me.)

oddly

2011-08-01T08:34:00.000-07:00

(august 1, 2011)

tonight has been one of the happiest nights of my life

and at the same time

one of the worst

i finally know

what those people in the movies feel like somehow

i finally understand them a bit more

finally

reality pains me too much

i need to study

maybe this is the only escape i can have

maybe this is the only escape i need

...

now i remember how i coped with being an only child

back then

i was an escapist

just like anyone else

who didn't feel like their friends

were there for them at all

... i know,

i did not see their worth back then,

and that, i regret.

but at least it made me read.

a lot.

i...

i just...

your ex-lover is dead by stars is on loop

and i'm crying my effing heart out

(good thing my monitor can hide my tears)

god dammit

if i could only take out the bad in me

and the bad in you

i would

and

we'd be happy

and

i could just die right then and there

of happiness

maybe

i'm such a wuss,

posting all my feelings on a stupid blog,

not being able to tell you this in person.

i'm just scared,

okay?
i'm scared...

of telling you something

that might be a lie--

i don't like lying,

but sometimes,

i end up lying to myself

in public

and i wouldn't know

until i sit in front of my computer

and look back on my lonely life

and just

reevaluate things.

also,

i am fickle.

i've told you this many, many times.

i could love you today

and only like you tomorrow.

i know what i feel for the clouds-- my sun.

pure love,

i guess.

utmost admiration and adoration.

i'm contented with friendship.

anyway, i promised a marriage with this one in my next life.

nothing can be done in this universe for this case.

i can only dream.

and besides,

i'm happy wherever the clouds are happy.

(i still love the clouds-- my sun-- the only thing that reminds me that i am capable of purity)

maybe i only love clouds

because they make me feel this way

and all the rest

is pure admiration

...

sometimes,

i wish i loved you this way

but

i know i can't

because i don't even like you completely

i do love you though

as a friend, i tell myself

we know too much of each other

...

just a tad bit too much,

don't you think?

maybe i only love you (as a friend, i tell myself)

because you claim that you love me

and you somehow never cease to show me,

or so i think,

your so-called love

(or attention, for short)

i am such an attention-whore sometimes--

i tend to fall for attention--

we should get married.

attention and i.

honestly

i wouldn't know if

i'd be feeling any of this crap

if you didn't feel anything for me

i find that pretty sad.
...

if i'd fall in love with someone,

and i mean really fall in love with someone,

head over heels fall in love with someone,

really really really truly madly deeply fall in love with someone,

i want all my selves scattered across the universes

to fall in love with that exact same someone.

call me crazy, but i believe in such... intricacies, when it comes to souls and universes and all that crap.

given that,

i wouldn't know if i would fall for anyone

or anything

anymore

what makes someone worth loving so much as to consider spending the remainder of your life with that someone?

as with talking,

i am never the first (to open up).

i must always wait for someone else

to say something first

and i'll work with what's given.

i am only as much as one gives.

i want to study now.

bye.

i don't feel like talking about this anymore.

might not.

ever.

i would normally say that "i'm confused",

but i don't think i am.

i feel like i know myself a little better--

that i am a whiny brat who doesn't know what romantic love feels like

yet somehow delves into it anyway

because she is hopeful

that whatever kind of love she believes in

exists

does it?
perhaps not.

nobody is as odd as me.

i am not going to find anyone.

sure,

there is you.

and there are clouds.

and there are tons of other fish in my fish tank.

(my fish tank being the set of people i currently know)

but i feel lonely,

nevertheless.

all this time,

i feel like i've merely been settling

for things--

for people

that i know would be better off without me anyway

that i know are also just settling for the nearest lovelorn soul (same as they are)

the truth of the matter is...

i'm picky as hell.

but then again

is it right to be picky,

knowing that,

maybe,

what i want

probably does not exist

in this world

submerged

in prejudice

in politics

in poverty

in lust

in inequality

then let me die alone

dagnabbit

don't get me wrong

i have this odd case of

loving everybody

sometimes to the point of confusing this love

with romantic love

...

because honestly,

it's almost too easy to romanticize any happy emotion

especially when you're actually feeling it

(ah, literature... why must you allow me to exaggerate sometimes?)

my problem is,

i care too much

about other people.

i see tears,

i delve into possibilities of endless loss.

i see laughter,

i conjure images of a happy life with spikes of anguish hidden from view.

i see a smile,

i think up sincerity... and then a scene enters my head: a person practicing how to fake a smile in front of the mirror each day.

so many stories can be taken out of

such little detail--

i could go on forever--

and ah!

is it not nice if your stories--

your theories--

are correct?

is it not nice to end up being so close to people,

that you actually know what their lives are about?

i...

i have fallen in love,

so madly in love

with this.

with stories and stories of people--

and i try to understand as much of them as possible--

i really do.

i...

i love everyone.

i may feel misanthropic at times,

but only because of the tendency of humanity to

...

do stupid things

and hurt each other.

we're all human here though,

so i understand.

i understand.

but let me die alone,

for i, too, need to be loved

in ways that aren't of this world, perhaps.

i am happy this way.

i like loving people too much

and not being loved in return

the way i want to be loved.

this makes me cry most of the time

but this is how the world is

and i know i probably deserve not having what i want anyway

the sole thing i want

the sole thing i am only so sure that i want

that i thought i wanted from my sun

but i realized i do not

for i love my sun too much to enforce what i want upon it

... for i do not love my sun enough to chase after it so bluntly

...

the sole thing i want so badly

(second is absolute knowledge)

call me silly

or shallow

for wanting this

but

it would make me so happy

to know that another exists

in a world such as this

just like me

because i realized something

long ago

and i only was able to connect it to everything else

just now:

i, of all people, hate myself the most,

for i know my weaknesses,

and i know my regrets and failures.

but

i love myself too much

to let myself go too far.

i hate myself only because i love myself.

and i would probably only fall

for a person who i'd know to be someone sharing my soul.

i've always thought that my sun's soul

and mine

came from the same source

...

i still believe in that

but

by simply looking at us...

one would instantly know our fate.

i've never posted a blog entry i've never been so certain of before.

i feel that posting this might be a bit too brash,

but then again,

there would be no satisfaction at all if i kept this to myself.

this blog...

it acts as a sort of /checkpoint/ for me,

so that i know at what point i stopped thinking clearly.

so that i know.

i try to be consistent,

but mood makes change inevitable.

i need this.

bear with me, reader.

anyway, i never asked you to read all this crap.

all these words are for me.

the only reason why this blog is set to have other viewers

is that because,

again,

i need something like this.

i need that illusion that people actually read--

actually care enough to read--

the crap that i post.

so bear with me.

this is all for me.

CAN I JUST SAY

2011-07-31T09:26:00.000-07:00

I LOVE THIS NIGHT

HUHUHUHUHUHU

I MEAN COME ON IT'S JUST A SIMPLE ASSEMBLY RECURSION CODE OK

BUT OMG GOOD GOD I'M JUST HAPPY THAT I FINISHED IT FIFTEEN MINUTES BEFORE THE DEADLINE

I guess I've been pretty much hopeless these past few weeks.

I've... never really experienced being that hopeless before. I mean, /hopeless/ hopeless. Really no hope. Not a shard. Not a strand. Not even a whisper.

My resilience has somehow withered away into my hopelessness.

My sun, my moon, and my ocean cannot even cheer me up completely.

It all started with my failure to submit a working MP for CS 32. The horrible Comm 3 report followed. Then, most recently, the stupid CS 21 hands on exam exploded in my face.

I feel horrible. I mean, duh. I just realized how much I've been procrastinating-- how much I've denied to myself that I was procrastinating.

But then again, I never procrastinated when I was doing the MP.

That cost me so many nights, so much sleep.

And now I'm barely even breathing.

(literally, since I have colds lol)

But okay.

I've been procrastinating.

Maybe... it's because I feel like everything's attacking me all at once.

Like the world hates me.

Like the universe has only realized how much it regrets making me exist.

And tonight,

I admitted to God

(yes, though open-minded, I am still pretty religious)

that I hate Him

right now.

Yes.

I guess it's time the truth came out--

I've been denying this fact for a couple of weeks now.

I mean,

I don't /hate/ Him /hate/ Him.

It's just that.

Ugh.

It's annoying how everything bad that /could/ happen...

... /did/ happen.

What the hell, man.

That's not nice.

//talking to God now//

Call me human for hating on you for such shallow reasons--

OH WAIT, I AM HUMAN.

Hardeeharhar.

Graaah I hate being humaaaan.

But I get it, ok.

I get it.

I know I probably need to feel all sorts of hardship along the way.

But come on man,

college means a lot to me,

you can't just let me-- allow me-- to mess this up.

I don't even know what the hell's happening to me anymore.

Yes, I know, this is all caused by my lack of sleep but what the hell man.

What the hell.

When the hell can I catch up on sleep when there're deadlines here, there, and everywhere?

Sorry.

>_<

Sorry for blaming you, okay.

It's just that...

I can't blame myself anymore for everything-- it's making things worse, I realize.

I have nothing... nobody... else to blame but you.

So please, bear with me.

I need a scapegoat.

I... know.

Dying on the cross and everything makes you the ultimate scapegoat, and me doing this to you is sort of like, rubbing salt on the wound, right?

Gwah.

I dunno hrgh.

WHAT DO I DO NOW

I need to get back on track

but I need sleep

but the MP's due soon

and all the exams are coming up

and oh my gawsh can I die

please don't let me go ruin my life

I'm scared

Edit:
anyway,
I'm pretty happy tonight ok.
Special thanks to my blockmates.
I don't think they'll ever know how much I love them.
;n;
I consider myself very fortunate for ending up in their block.
Gwah.
;n;

On Debuts.

2011-07-30T09:46:00.000-07:00

(... have I blogged about this before?)

So... hi.

I just arrived home from the nth debut I've been invited to.

I've been a candle for probably n-2 times.

I've been to a debut wherein I didn't know any other person, aside from one seated across me.

I've been to a debut wherein I felt awkward and alone the entire time.

I've been to a debut wherein I felt very uncomfortable with what I was wearing.

I've been to a debut wherein I had to dance in front of lots of people.

I've been to a debut wherein I just had... fun.

Each one has been different.

But somehow,

all of them lead me to feel the same set of feelings.

There is the "what am I doing with my life" feeling.

I usually get this when people (namely, the candles, treasures, debut hosts, etc.) begin talking about the debutant's achievements and goals and hopes and dreams and passions.

Organizations joined. People helped. Hearts touched.

I just... sit there and wonder what the hell happened for the past 17 years.

What have I been doing?

And then I imagine myself in the debutant's place...

people trying to think of things that're actually worth mentioning about me.

Are there any, at all?

Anything?

"She... uh... likes writing? Not sure how good she is though. Haven't read her work."

"Oh she doodles a lot in her notebooks."

"They say she sings in the bathroom. I wonder what her singing voice sounds like."

"She plays the piano. Plays best when she's alone. I wouldn't know though."

And what would my parents say?

"Oh, she's... such a dear. She helps around with the chores-- oh, wait, no. LOL sorry for the mixup."

"She's alright. Doesn't ask for too much, I guess. Only sometimes. Not always. I'm contented with that."

*sigh*

I know I'm just being down on myself right now,

but yeah,

I don't think there's anything worth mentioning that people actually KNOW and CAN STAND BY.

I mean, they could say I'm good at this and that and whatever.

But have they actually /seen/ me in action?

No.

Because I never show anyone.

You see,

I've got this problem.

I'm like an electron,

being shot out of an electron gun--

my behavior somewhat changes when being observed.

Which is why I'll never know what my true potential is.

Now, I'm sort of teaching myself not to care.

It comes back though-- it recurs.

I want to be proud of myself, for once.

Proud of myself /right now/, not for the things that /I used to be/.

Because in a room full of people who /are/ proud of you, you'll still feel incomplete when you're not proud of yourself in the first place.

I will only have a debut if I have anything pleasant to showcase.

As of now, whatever achievements I've... achieved... have been completely nullified by the lack of appreciation on my part.

When it comes to the things I do,

I am the most difficult to please.

There is the "hell no, I ain't gonna go through something as silly as this" feeling.

I somewhat find debuts silly for the sole reason that it's being celebrated as formality-- some sort of celebration of "growing up" and "becoming a woman".

... talking about the traditional debuts here, btw. Not the "close friends only" debuts.

I mean, lol, come on.

Everybody you know and love're going to be there.

I bet I'll end up crying at one point, and everybody'd see how much of a crybaby I am.

Ok I forgot why I think debuts are silly, but yeah, they are.

The "aww, I think I want to have one" feeling... immediately followed by "naaah, don't wanna".

I want to have a debut simply because /for once in my life/, I'd want to feel special.

Selfish, but it cannot be denied.

And yeah! I want people to have fun!

I want reunions with old friends!

Also, I want to dress up in something really beautiful.

So beautiful, in fact, that it makes me look sorta beautiful too.

For once, I'd look pretty.

@o@

I love planning things for myself, so planning a debut'd be amazing.

But...

I don't want to have one plainly because I'd probably feel sad at the end of the day because I'd realize that I didn't spend enough time with every single one of my guests.

And gwah, I love each one of them, okay.

That's why they're my guests!

And gwah, I don't want my guests to experience the

"OH MY GOD, MY GROUP OF FRIENDS AREN'T GOING, SO I'D BE ALL OP THERE"

suckiness.

Gawd that feelings sucks.

Also, I don't want to spend so much money for just one night.

The next day'd be normal again, and lol wut.

You'd end up yearning for another night.

Which won't happen, perhaps.

'til you like,

get married,

or something.

...

even if I did have tons of money, okay.

I mean, yeah, sure.

I like planning things... for myself.

But a debut not only involves the debutant, but the guests as well.

Here comes the table-planning.

"Will it be awkward for blah if I seat her with BLAH?"

Hay.

People are so... difficult to control.

I don't like organizing huge events that have tons of people in them.

So unpredictable.

Yes.

... I am a perfectionist when it comes to planning something I have full control over (and, that I'm passionate about).

So yes.

I want everything to be perfect.

Oh, the 18 candles, 18 roses, and 18 treasures thing kind of saddens me. Can't I pick more than 18 for each?

LOL.

Meeeh.

This is a message to someone you probably'd never guess.

2011-07-26T22:38:00.000-07:00

Hi.

Just like everyone else I admire and look up to,

you're amazing.

Sometimes, I just... look at you, and I tell myself,

"Dear God, I wish I was you."

I am the kind of person who wishes for a clean slate

once things get messed up--

once I mess things up.

I don't think I'd ever want to bring myself out there

and fix things myself.

I don't like talking to people when I don't really feel the need to talk to them,

remember?

I can just get by

with my life just...

this way.

But you...

you always take the initiative to do anything you set your mind to.

You've got the people skills and the charm to take on life so easily.

I don't.

I mean,

I guess you could say that everything's in the mind

like I always say--

that everything you take the time to study or accept can be done.

With that being said,

I can have all the people skills I want.

But...

But I'm comfortable living in my shell.

I like it here.

I like the quiet.

And oh--

did I mention that you're sooo pretty?

I mean,

sure,

I've always been torn between wishing I was pretty

and wishing that I looked unattractive.

... what?

At least when you're unattractive, you KNOW that the people who'd stick around you actually love you and care about you.

But...

I don't know.

There's always something with being pretty.

And thin.

You get noticed, even without meaning to get noticed.

I... don't like unwanted attention.

But... I don't know.

I just want to look pretty.

Probably because I want to look in the mirror and...

well...

not hate myself.

I guess I've always believed that we end up looking like who we really are,

despite the "Don't judge a book by its cover" thing going on.

I mean, yes. We should never judge people by the way they look,

it's just that,

most of the time,

once you get to know people,

they really do end up looking like who they are.

Maybe this is all just... me (desperately) trying to be poetic.

But I want to be pretty.

And somehow, me looking the way I am, probably means that I'm not pretty enough on the inside.

Again, I am never enough.

But you?

You are more than sufficient.

Alright,

maybe I do want attention--

at least, the amount I need.

Or the amount I'm comfortable with living with--

the amount that can make me say: "Hey! I'm friends with everyone!"

...

Sorry.

I like friends.

Friends are nice.

And somehow, attention makes me know whether or not one sees me as a friend.

Sorry.

This is all I have to gauge things.

I guess, sometimes, I tend to try too hard to gain attention.

And I just end up looking at myself, and just hating myself even more.

...

I bet you don't think of things as silly as that.

I bet you're just... you.

And that's all you ever have to care about.

Yeah. That feeling's nice.

Only one person can ever make me feel that way--

feel important because I am just who I am.

But I bet she's never going to know how amazing she makes me feel.

I just hope I make her feel as amazing.

... but then again, she's already amazing as it is, so lol why bother.

I guess I'm jealous of you.

For all these reasons, and more.

You're smart, talented, independent-minded.

You're a born leader.

I mean, maybe I'm all these things.

Or I could be all these things, if I only tried.

But I'm just too afraid of pursuing who I am, who I can be.

You aren't.

And wow, I really, really look up to you for that.

You're not scared of judgment and of failure.

You're just you.

Me?
I'm lost.

I'm beginning to regain my focus though but.

Hopefully all my silly fears'd wither away soon.

I'm just... glad. That I got to, at least, meet you.

I have to say, I really do want to be your friend,

but I don't know how to do that without seeming a bit too desperate.

So I guess I stopped trying.

But the offer still stands.

(Sorry, I sound like such an ass. BUT I'M NOT OKAY)

Look, I suck at life, ok.

In case you haven't noticed.

I don't know how you make it seem so easy.

Sometimes, I wonder, if you're really just born lucky, or if you even struggled hard to get to where you are now.

And I mean struggle.

Sure, back when we were in high school or grade school, we'd never know the meaning of the word, unless we were born in poor families. But.

Yes.

We're in college now.

I'm struggling.

You aren't.

Or maybe you just seemingly aren't?

Hah.

Don't give me that crap.

You're probably being challenged here and there by lots of things, because duh, college is SUPPOSED to challenge you.

But are you struggling?

I bet not.

Hell no.

You can take on anything.

I don't know how to end this.

I'd like to praise you some more

and in the process,

degrade myself,

but that won't be helpful to us now wouldn't it?

So.

Alright.

Yes.

I feel alive.

2011-07-25T20:28:00.000-07:00

For the first time in ages.

For some reason, I have my CS 32 class this morning to thank.

I'm not entirely sure why, but somehow, learning more about binary trees sparked something within me.

Something I've long lost.

Who knew I'd find it again in a 7-8:30am class that speaks nothing of motivation?

It's weird.

I feel like I can do things again.

I guess I have no one else but the Lord to thank-- reaching such ideas (at a time you need them the most) are purely coincidental, especially if you've got nothing, really, to lead you to them... and I have no idea how I'd reach them without any push from a divine force.

I'm ready.

Now I know why I'm here--

now I know that I'm supposed to be here.

I've been so caught up in other people's achievements,

thinking of myself as someone so inferior to the rest around me,

when, all along, I've always had whatever got me here in the first place:

the motivation to study.

Because studying is fun.

Well it has always been fun.

'Til last year.

Somehow, that quality of mine withered away along with the self-esteem I didn't know I had due to the consistent "I'm not good enough"s I've been giving myself for everything I've failed to do my way.

And for some reason,

after a discussion of preordering, inordering, and postordering,

I gain everything back--

I remember everything.

I'm focused again.
I don't feel like doing things just for the sake of getting by and surviving another week.

I can do things my way without the fear of failing.

And, can you believe it(?), I'm actually reaaaally sleepy as I'm typing this down.

But I'm capable of sane thought.

OH MAN THIS IS SOMETHING NEW FOR ME

let's celebrate please~

\:'D/

Oh,

by the way.

This means that I'll be seeing people less frequently now.

And I mean that literally.

I won't even be going home until I'm required to.

So there.

Please respect my study time.

I'm back.

And now that I'm back...

it's time for a change in...

... well, you'll see.

Or maybe not.

This is going to be a reaaaaal gradual change, so I don't think anyone'd notice.

Maybe.

Heehee.

I'm pretty much excited for everything.

Because I pretty much CAN do anything.

*Kim Possible theme song starts to play*

~~Hopefully, this won't wear out like those energy drinks I've been drinking to keep me up.~~

Boom.

2011-07-23T21:15:00.000-07:00

I know what I feel now.

I know what I want now.

Thank God for sleep.

I want to stop time.

2011-07-23T09:20:00.000-07:00

Why is it that at times, I could get so unnaturally shy, but at other times, I could be so unnaturally sociable? I am never naturally who/what I'm supposed to be. It gets annoying.

Or has this become what is natural with me?

Gaaah why is everything so complex and complicated-- I mean, everything concerning the self--?

The whole world, on the other hand, is an entirely new brand of "complex" and "complicated". Ugh.

For once, I feel like I want to do something, I want to be something.

Because all I ever was for the past few weeks was "sleepy".

Now, this makes me wonder... when was the last time I was completely sane-- completely aware of the things I was doing? The UPCAT? The ACET? ... the last night of typing down important words for our ARP back in fourth year?

... the latter one might be the most nearly correct.

So what have I been doing since then? Floating? Easing my way through life with only a fourth of my brain functioning?

Jeez, man. I don't even know how I was able to reach 2nd year college with that small chunk of mental activity.

Ugh I need lots of sleep. But the present keeps on trying to grab my attention, and I end up more sleepless than ever.

The present scares me. For the first time ever, I am... planless. Just doing things to get by. Nothing more, nothing less.

And to add to that, this semester's (going to be) one of the most crucial points in my life, and I can't just allow this to slip away (at least... without a fight).

But can you really expect a fight from someone so insanely sleep-deprived?

As if that's not enough, all the emotions that can act up, ARE acting up. Such perfect timing, you guys.

My views on certain things have... changed. I'm also becoming more vulnerable to everything-- it just sucks to realize how fragile you actually are. I've been confusing love with attention, and maybe with admiration as well. Or maybe not? Maybe I'm right? ... I just don't know what I want. I'm not entirely sure of anything anymore. I'm standing on shaky ground, and I think I can just fall into something bad any second now. Aaaany second now.

Foofoo. But one thing's for sure, I guess: the future seems farther away than ever.

I want time to stop so badly.

Give me some rest.

And I promise you, I'll do my best by the time I'm fully awake.

Just... cut me some slack.

I know I probably don't deserve this, and I'm probably asking for too much.

But. Yes. I just. I need this.

And I'm not needing this for the me right now.

I'm needing this for the me of tomorrow.

And I believe that she's going to be awesome. I think. Hahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

Well I wish she would be, at least.

I...

2011-07-22T05:39:00.000-07:00

I...

I don't think I was ever equipped to handle things like this.

I mean, I'm not one who yearns for the tactile.

................

Maybe only hugs, because hugs make me feel like I'm not too distant-- that I still exist, somehow.

And cuddling, because cuddling makes me feel like I'm a kid again, and cuddling gives me so much warmth and comfort and if I could just cuddle with someone forever (without leading them on to the wrong idea, of course), I would.

And curling up like a cat with someone, because this is the only way I can be hipster. Kidding. Because curling up makes me feel like I'm a pet being taken care of. Odd. But yes.

And maybe holding someone's arm, because I hate being left alone while walking.

I feel so silly and childish for wanting only these things. No kisses or hands being held or or or caresses that make you feel uneasy or or or anything else!--- they suggest the need for something more.

But I don't need those things.

All I need is the single thought behind such tactile interactions.

I just feel so frustrated that such things exist or that such a feeling as lust exists because, really, they mess such beautiful things up all the time. I mean, I'm not imposing my beliefs on other people, ok. People can do whatever they want. But. You know. I keep on forgetting that society has its way of reaching the people I hold dear to me. I mean, yes. Again, I'm ok with it, if other people do it. If my friends prefer doing such things, then yeah! Go ahead, you guys. It's just that... if such things were done to me, I wouldn't... I wouldn't know what to do.

I feel like an alien. Sorry for being this way, world. But I really love being this way, and I think this is only one of the few things I think I'm actually ok with when it comes to myself.

It just sort of makes me sad, I don't know. Because I understand how... difficult... it is to fight such urges--- no, no. Wait. Because it's completely human to have such urges.

I mean, sure. I've had such urges, but not towards anyone I see regularly or I just plainly see.

It's just so. Ugh. The fact that I never want these things to be done to me, ever, makes me KNOW that I'm going to be alone forever. (Yes, I do believe that this is a factor people're going to consider.)

Because lol why would anybody give their freedom up for such a nobody like me?

I just want hugs and cuddles and whatever ok. And me doing these things to a person doesn't mean anything, really. I swear. So if ever I do these things to you, you must mean a huge lot to me (for example: in any case your name is Hiraya. Or if you're my mom. Or if you're AJ. Or if you're Owen, my stuffed dog I can never sleep without.), THEREFORE, it doesn't mean I'm romantically attracted to you.

I honestly don't think that I could ever be romantically attracted to anyone.

Seriously.

Maybe /platonically/ (to the highest extent). But never romantically.

Maybe I've reached super-agape-philia-mode. LOL. But never romantic.

Again, forever alone.

And I mean, if ever there'd be people who'd somehow end up liking me because, I don't know. I honestly don't know what there is to like about me, when there're so many better people around them (oh God just please look around you ok).

Anyway, if ever such people'd exist... I'd feel sad for them.

Because there's nothing for them here.

Just a barren wasteland with nothing exciting in store.

... if ever such people'd exist, I should give a warning na:

Hey. I am not worth your time. I am nothing. You deserve better. You can't even express your love for me physically or anything, so why even bother, right?-- no, let me get ahead of you on that: you will always, ALWAYS, end up yearning for this eventually. And it would just break my heart to keep you struggling to restrain yourself for something that's not even worth it. So yes. Let's stay friends, okay? Unless you're only friends with me because you're betting on the chance that we might be more than that. Then... ok.

So anyway.

Please. Stop breaking my heart. There are so many better fish in the sea.

I love you, ok. Very much. I mean, for me to consider you a "friend", I must love at least an ounce of you. But yes. I just. I can't love just you. I love everyone equally and I... I. I don't know. I... I'm confused. I am a confused soul. I just... I don't deserve to be the object of affection of another. So please stop.

Again, I am not capable of romantic love. Or whatever.

It's just that. I don't know. I care for you. Or whatever.

Whatever.

I just don't... know.

Anymore.

I'm not meant for this.

Do you know how lonely it feels like for me to KNOW that I am, most likely, the only one who thinks like this?

I feel so... left out. Comfortable, but left out.

Not that I want to fit in. But it just feels so lonely. Like I'm so different from everyone that I end up being so misunderstood, leaving much room for judgment.

I am so sorry if I'm like this.

I am so sorry if I can't live up to society's expectations.

I am so sorry.

I like being like this.

Call me selfish, but I do.

So yes. I hope that's enough reason for you to hate me.

Or something.

Or for you to want me to change.

But yeah I'll never change.

So yeah I hope you hate me now.

Hate me to the core.

Yeah. So much for ~true love~ and everything I used to believe in. Ha. Ha. Ha.

Everything hurts now.

Time to cry.

Don't get me wrong.

This week was terrible, but thanks to my friends, I got through everything in one piece.

Thanks guys.

You'll never know how much I love each and every one of you.

Because I'm not the expressive type.

ALL THE WORLD'S A STAGE

2011-07-19T09:19:00.000-07:00

I think it'd help if I won't be myself tomorrow.

Heehee.

Acting has always been something I wanted to try (at a larger scale).

We'll see where this'll take me.

Nom?

2011-07-18T10:14:00.000-07:00

I think I'm in love with everyone.
If not, I am, at least, very susceptible to falling in love.with everyone.
So either way, I'm screwed.

There're just so many things to fall in love with in a person, that... I don't know... it makes it so difficult to /not/ stand there and just gaze at such brilliance.

So yeah whatever I don't know what I feel anymore, nor do I want to have anything to do with what I feel. All I know is that I need sleep and that's it LOL.

Question: is love relative, or is there such a thing as absolute love? (Because I'd prefer one that is absolute, thank you very much.)
Over the years, I've seen so, so many definitions of love. Countless. Some seem right. Others don't suit my tastes at all-- in all cases, my tastes have tried to be objective. What is love? Physical attraction? Sharing something common? Being there for a person? Pursuit?
Because honestly, you can do those things for anyone.
So what makes the person you love special? Why is it, that, at the end of the day, there seems to be only one person you'd be thinking about? Is it because they're pretty? They're admirable? They're flawless, in your standards?
And, y'know, I mean, there could be many, many other better people out there and everything. But why just one? Why him? Why her?
Is love strategic? Is love supposed to be practical? Should you consider lineage, and genes, and money when considering who to love?
But then again, don't you just fall uncontrollably? Is it not true that the only choice you have is whether to stay or not?
... ah, but then again, should there even be such a choice? If love is true, would you not stay forever, despite relationships being severed?
*sigh*

Now, tell me, is my perception of love too pure for such an imperfect world?
Have I gone mad, just thinking of such an illogical thing?
Why must something so important be so difficult to understand?
And ugh, wait, is there really a need for romantic love, when there is such a pure and genuine love as platonic love?
Agape.

I am so confused.
I guess I don't understand romance all that well.
I guess I got things mixed up.
I guess romantic love is not the only kind of love that hurts you.

Now, look. I don't understand why there are people I think of more often than the others.
I don't know why there are people whose pain hurts me more than it hurts them.
I don't know why there are people I tend to focus my energy and time on more often than other people.
I don't know if these people even intended to be special to me or not.
I don't know if I could even be sufficient enough for all these people.
I don't know.
I don't know/

Good God I don't know what I'm talking about.

My point here is: I love everyone. I am capable of loving everyone if I tried and if I begin to understand. I love everyone, and I don't think I'm fond of the idea that there is someone out there that'll just sweep me off my feet and make me forget about everyone else... and, most importantly, about myself.

Or whatever I don't know. This seems all too shaky ugh. Might revisit this topic in the future. Hopefully, I'd be sure of myself then.

Random:
When someone is beautiful on the inside, they make you feel beautiful too.
I met someone beautiful today. I hope someone tells her that everyday. She deserves it.
If ever she does, then she's beautiful for not letting it get to her head.
Oh, such charming people, living in such a charming world! ;u;

Another random thought related to the previous random thought:
... no, I am not bi. (Not that there's anything wrong with being bi xD) I AM SEXLESS BAHAHAHAHA.
I dunno. I sort of don't want to conform to any of that gender-sexuality stuff society dictates. I can be who I want to be, and I believe that I want to be someone who is free of any prejudice pertaining to either gender or sexuality (at least, in my head lol. Not like I can control other people's thoughts of me anyway). I... don't know. It just sucks how one is born under a certain sex, and suddenly, everyone shows up and tells you who to love, what to act like, and who to become based on what you were born with.
I am neither man nor woman. I'm just... myself. I mean, sure, when you look at me, I'm... a girl. WHAT. But I don't want to be seen as just that. Just because I'm a girl doesn't mean I have to be stylish all the time. I mean, come on. I sometimes like looking like a cave woman. For heaven's sake, it's comfortable ok. I mean, FOR ONCE, I want to talk to members of the opposite sex and NOT intimidate them or something just because I have different body parts or just because I have longer hair or something UGH COME ON I WANT A NORMAL CONVERSATION (without me feeling all awkward about it either). NOT LIKE I TALK TO PEOPLE BECAUSE I HAVE CRUSHES ON THEM... OR SOMETHING ALONG THOSE LINES... OH GOD NO I JUST WANT TO TALK AND MAKE FRIENDS BECAUSE I AM THAT KIND OF PERSON BUT I AM TOO INTROVERTED AND SHY TO DO JUST THAT OH MY GOSH I DON'T EVEN-- Ugh so many unwritten laws come with one gender and ugh it's sickening ok. IF YOU WANT TO JUDGE, GO BE A JUDGE. (LOLWHAT I DON'T EVEN--)
K I'm done with that.

Tangled.

2011-07-17T10:06:00.000-07:00

So I just watched Tangled for the fourth time ever.

Yes, we have a DVD.

No, I don't think it's original.

Yes, it does have great quality.

Dreams.

That's what Tangled sort of made me think of.

Dreams.

And I mean, not the ones you see when you sleep.

Dreams.

The ones you wish for.

The ones you work hard for.

Dreams.

I remember... having dreams... before my college life even started.

They were pretty vague, but at least I had them.

Because right now... right now... I don't think I have any... anymore.

If ever I do, they're pretty much short term.

Nothing for "the long run".

It has hit me... that for the past few... weeks? I've been living for the sake of living.

Just. Living.

Nothing else.

Just to barely survive another school day.

Just to, at least, at the end of the day, be... contented... with what I can and cannot do.

Just to live.

You see,

I feel like I'm at the point where I honestly feel like killing myself off because of the lack of anything to keep me going,

but at the same time, I don't really want to die because I'd rather not waste the things I might have in store for me. And besides, I value life.

Just to clear things off: I am extremely grateful for all the things I have-- for all the material things, and, of course, for all the people who love me and care for me. What I mean by "lack of anything to keep me going" is really within me. I have... nothing to keep me going. No goal. No specific aim. Nothing. Nada. Zilch.

I know I used to have something. But now, honestly, there's just... nothing there.

I want to chase something, anything! But of course, I should want it enough to begin to even walk towards it.

But I don't think I know what I want.

I don't think I know what'll make me happy anymore.

I mean, sure. I know what makes me happy right now.

But it changes.

I know it does.

Everything moves too quickly-- too spontaneously-- that I don't think I can ever keep up with my own needs, with my own desires!

It scares me... that maybe... I'm either just too contented right now, or too discontented.

It scares me how I'm not even sure of such a simple thing-- and the simple thing holding extremely opposite ideas.

The bottom line is, I don't have any will anymore to do anything.

I even heard myself say the words : "I don't want to study anymore."

Can you believe that?

Really?

Me?

*sigh*

But seriously though, I do mean those words.

I mean, I value education... and I value knowledge.

But... if things just continue to get to me...

if things continue to just ruin whatever I set for myself in the past,

then maybe I should take some time off.

I'm not exactly sure what I mean by that, but I'm sure I need time off from something.

Anything.

Just cut me some slack--

I know I probably don't deserve this right now,

but I will end up screwing my life up more if I do try to overwork myself towards an empty goal.

What exactly do I want... right now... for the future?

Why do I want those things?

Should I even question their practicality or realism? Or should I set those things aside, for they will only pressure me into choosing something I don't want?

So many things...

I don't want to go to school for a looong while, but I have to.

Oh dear God, if only I could stop time.

If only I could stop time.

Ah! I see I have time to blog!

2011-07-17T00:46:00.000-07:00

I'm currently waiting for my mom and dad to pick Hiraya, Sharon, and me up. Soooo yes! Blog time!

Hmm, what to say, what, to, say.

I'm... pretty okay.

Worried,

but okay.

Quite happy, even.

Uhm.

I don't know what I want anymore.

I mean, generally.

This semester's just begun and it's already killing me on the inside.

I'm so tired.

I need sleep.

Before I go to sleep

2011-07-15T12:53:00.000-07:00

Ok it's probably not a good idea to type things down when I'm in such a sabaw state (salamat sa sunod-sunod na gabing di ako natulog mabuti dahil sa kagagawa ng MP and stuff. At oo, hinding-hindi ko sinayang ang oras ko sa paggawa nun, except na, yun nga, late ako nagsimula putek). And by sabaw, I mean, literally, sabaw. Sabaw meaning sabaaaaaaw meaning I can't remember things well meaning I can't remember something I've said two seconds ago. That kind of sabaw. And God oh my God seriously this has only ever happened tonight.

But anyway wooh. I'm not entirely sure why I'm blogging right now, since there's nothing really I can blog about.

*sigh*

Nalulungkot ako ngayon.

Yun lang naman.

Wala lang.

Nakakalungkot lang kasi minsan yung sobra-sobrang pagkakaintindi.

Yung tipong talagang alam mo yung hirap na pinagdadaanan ng ibang tao.

Kasi naranasan mo na.

O parang ganun.

Nakakalungkot lang isipin na nagkakahirap din ng malaki yung ibang tao, na dapat hindi naman.

Kasi nga wala namang may gusto ng hirap, di ba?

Nakakalungkot tumanda.

Parang unti-unti mong nararamdaman na napapanis ka, o napapanis ang iba, sa sobrang tagal niyo nang nabubuhay.

Siguro masuswerte nga yung mga sanggol na namamatay bago ipanganak.

Di ako pro-abortion ah. Related lang kasi.

Nakakalungkot pag di mo alam kung tama ba yung pinipili mo sa buhay mo--

pag di mo alam kung mahal ka rin ng minamahal mong landas at pangarap,

o kung karapat-dapat ka sa ibang lugar kung saan ka naman mas magaling.

Pagpipilitan mo nga naman ba ang sarili mo sa isang bagay na hindi mo naman magawa-gawa ng maayos?

Ewan, ewan.

... ewan.

Nakakalungkot na alam mong mag-isa ka sa mundo.

Hindi literally ah.

At hindi rin ibig sabihin na binabalewala ko yung mga kaibigan ko't pamilya.

Ang ibig kong sabihin,

parang...

wala akong kapareha.

Parang lahat ng tao, halos, may kahit isang sobrang laking something na naka-root sa kanilang personalities na magkapareho, somehow.

Tapos, parang sa'kin... wala.

O baka introverted lang talaga ako.

Baka meron talagang taong tulad ko.

At kung meron man, at nakilala ko...

anong gagawin ko?

Anong gagawin namin?

Sobrang mamamangha ako nun.

Nakakalungkot ang di pagtapos ng mga sinimulan.

Lalung-lalo na pag pinaghirapan mo.

Nakakalungkot na maalala mo nalang bigla na nagbabago pala ang mundo.

At ang sarili mo, parang walang pinagkaiba sa dati.

At kung meron man, katangahan lang yung naging kapalit.

Nakakalungkot pag malaman mong shaky ang lahat ng kinatatayuan ng mga tao-- walang tamang-tama, at walang maling-mali. Kasi wala naman talaga tayong alam.

Nakakalungkot pag nag-eexpect ka.

Nakakalungkot pag di mo mabigay sa iba yung gusto nila.

Nakakalungkot pag naiintindihan mo ang halos lahat ng tao sa mundo (o may abilidad kang maintindihan sila), pero wala namang nakakaintindi sa'yo mismo.

Bakit parang palagi nalang feeling ko na sobrang mag-isa lang ako sa mundo?

Parang wala akong kaparehas mag-isip?

Parang ang weird ko lang talaga.

Incurable na.

Parang ako yung odd-one-out parati.

Parang ganun lang.

Parang perpekto yung mundo pag wala ako.

Alam kong mahal ko ang solitude at peace of mind,

pero iba pa rin pag alam mong wala kang kapareha na matatakbuhan--

na walang nakakaintindi nga kung kelan mo kailangan ng solitude at peace of mind.

Bakit ba wala akong kapareha?

Bakit ba walang nakakagets?

I mean, oo, di ko naman iniimpose sa iba na intindihin nila ako,

pero sana naman, may tao out there na nakakaintindi nga.

Kasi minsan, para akong alien.

Siguro nga kasalanan ko din kasi yun, kasi hindi ako mabilisang magtiwala sa tao.

Nakakalungkot.

Nakakalungkot ang pagkawala.

Nakakalungkot.

Ubo na ako ng ubo. Lumalala every year, siguro.

Baka epekto ng chain-smoking ng parents ko mula nung bata pa ako.

Haha ewan ko.

Kasalanan ko rin kasi na pinipilit kong wag akong umalis pag naninigarilyo sila.

Walalang.

Nakakalungkot lang talaga.

Na.

Ewan.

Nakakalungkot.

Nalulungkot ako.

Nakakalungkot 'tong linggong 'to.

Nakakainis din pala.

Nakakaiyak.

Ayoko na muna sa lahat.

Probably going to delete this soon because it's not going to be pretty at all.

2011-07-12T09:36:00.000-07:00

.__________________.

Stupid life.

I'm probably not trying hard enough or I'm probably missing something or I'm probably just not paying attention.

And the sad thing is, I somehow believe that I'm doing /an acceptable/ amount of such, but I'm really not at all.

Stupid feelings and their stupid side-effects, making me all moody and world-hating. No, actually, "self-hating" is more like it.

It's probably because I care too much, or because I don't care at all.

Either way, I feel like I'm just one big blob of nothing. Meaningless nothing that just takes up space, takes in some of your precious oxygen, and breathes out your infamous carbon dioxide.

Can I please, please, please. I mean, really. I've been wishing for myself to become more /bearable/ to /be/, but it's just not happening and ugh disappointment. I'm not good with dealing with self-disappointment. Or with any negative feelings towards the self, for that matter.

Ugh.

I'm honestly not in the mood for anything anymore.

I mean, this isn't just about my MP being undone for such a long time now or something.

No, it seeps down deeper, deeeeper, deeeeeeeeper.

Bordering on the questions and phrases: "Why do you lack sleep all the time? You were given enough time to sleep during blahblahblah, so why didn't you?", or "Why are you such a lazyass piece of crap? Why don't you start doing something for a change?", or "Failing is not an option, and it never was, so pull yourself together, or so help me, I'm not going to give a crap about you once you find yourself in a ditch you just can't get out of!"

*pakilagay nalang ang lahat ng mura dito*

Ewan ko ba, sobrang galit nalang ako sa lahat-lahat. Nakakainis.

At nakakaasar din na hindi ko magawang ipakita sa iba na sobrang galit ako habang kausap sila, kasi parang ang tanga naman nun-- ano'ng paki ng iba sa mga problema ko-- sa katangahan ko, diba?

Punyeta, ang sarap nalang sumuko eh.

Sa lahat.

Kasi, sabagay, wala naman akong napupuntahan sa kahit anong gawin ko.

^^^ ANONG KLASENG LOGIC YAN PUTEK. UGH KAASAR. Ha! I'm one to speak of "logic" when I barely even understand Discrete Math.

I. Frikkin. Swear. God. Dammit.

I'm not even looking forward to Comm 3 tomorrow anymore because I'm sure, at this rate, all the bad things're going to happen to me. Ugh. Bad trip. Walang hiya. And oh my God ewan ko ha, pero ngayon? Dapat nagcocode ako (kaso lampas midnight na so WHUT THUH HEULL PUNYETA), or dapat nag-aaral ako sa CS 30 (pero PUUUUTEK pano ako mag-aaral kung inaantok ako, masyadong nababagabag ng mga bugs sa code, at kung ano man? HA? Putek yan lahat.) Ugh. Kasalanan ko din naman lahat 'to. Alam ko. Ok. Alam ko. Sa lahat ng tao, alam ko yun. Putek. Napakatanga din kasi, eh, noh. Walang kwentang nilalang. Di man lang magawa yung mga simpleng bagay ng tama. Pati nga yung mga gusto nga din niyang gawin, hindi man lang niya mahanapan ng solusyon para makuha. Kainis eh. Nakakainis. Wala nang willpower. Exhausted na. Saan? Aba'y malay ko. Sa mga lecheng walang kwentang opinyon niya, I'm sure. Kabanaaaaaas. Sarap itulak sa bangin eh. Tapos i-molotov nalang yung katawan. BV eh. Salot.

Oo, sige, sabihin nating siguro nga may ginawa ako para maranasan 'tong lahat ng katangahan na ayaw ko namang maranasan. Siguro. Malamang, meron yan, diba? O mali ba yung pag-iisip kong meron at merong kapalit ang lahat?

Nakakainis. Ayokong hindi nakakaintindi. Lalo na kung basic lang na concept. Tulad nitong "karma" na 'to. Malay ko ba kung totoo yan. Diba nga dapat alam nating lahat yan? Pero hindi. Kasi ganun ang buhay.

O, buhay. Bakit ba ganyan ka, ha? Sarap mong sapakin, tadyakin, saksakin, pukpokin ng martilyo't kung anu-ano pa.

Joke.

Nakakaasar lang talaga.

Parang nawalan ako ng pag-asang mabuhay pa. Gets?

I mean, di naman ako yung tipong seseryosohin yung mga balak ng pagpapakamatay (pero alam kong lahat naman tayo, may mga para-paraan na sa mga utak natin kung paano gawin yun, kung sakali. Sa'kin, overdose siguro ng sleeping pills. Pero hindi mangyayari yun. Ang buhay ay buhay pa rin. Kahit walang kwenta.), pero ayun nga. My life's just... not worth living anymore.

I mean, sure, I love the people in it, I love the world, I love my hobbies, I love crap.

But if I'll always, always, see myself unworthy of these things... if I'll always end up taking the bad things as "stuff I deserved anyway", then maybe I should reconsider a few things. A quest for confidence? I don't need confidence. Heck, I can have tons of confidence if I wanted to.

Or am I just faking confidence?

Which brings me to: am I fooling myself to believing that I am happy, that I am contented with the way things are and have been, when really, I have not, and will not ever be contented.

... with myself, as the main source of discontent, that is.

I will never be contented with myself. There will always be a push, a pull, a stretch. And I will never be enough for myself.

The only question here is: can I live with this internal pressure long enough?

Will this cause me to metamorphose?

Or will I end up ruined by it?

So, so many complexities present in a single human mind.

It's practically a miracle how we can all... co-exist... harmoniously, at times.

Anyway. I'm going to sleep now.

Good night, blog.

And thanks for being there for me to vent out the crappy, random, yet intuitive thoughts I have.

Not much backspaces here or in the past blog entry, so you can treat this as... a personal sharing of sorts. Like in one of those "anonymous groups", discussing their addictions and all that. Except here, I'm just venting out because I really have nowhere else to vent onto without feeling too guilty for talking too much or delving way too deep into my issues when the other has so much more to care about.

For the final time, good night, dear blog.

Sorry for ranting too much. Am just so annoyed at everything and ugh I think this is better than just crying like some attention-deprived baby.

Now, if you'll excuse me, my soon-to-fall tears'll need some wiping so I'll go get some tissue or something or hopefully I'll fall asleep before I even remember to cry or whatever.

I'm such a failure.

Goodnight.

Bloggity blog. (Plus some crap, as usual)

2011-07-09T13:34:00.000-07:00

I honestly don't know what the purpose of this blog is anymore.

Expressing my opinions here is weird.

It's like I'm trying to impress a bunch of voiceless apes.

But that's just me.

And my weirdness.

I mean, I could just write all this down in my handy dandy notebook, a place nobody can ever reach (?).

I guess there's just some weird sense of accomplishment after creating a blog entry... caused by the possibility that people can actually read this somehow, THUS making me sort of feel like I actually succeeded in expressing myself completely to another human being.

Comm 3 has been dandy.

I've actually been taking it waaay seriously. And by "seriously", I've been applying Sir OJ's teachings in my life.

Comm 3 has been extremely fun though. Such an amazing stress-reliever.

It's actually the only subject I look forward to during Wednesdays and Fridays.

Yesterday, Sir OJ discussed intrapersonal communication. In other words: communicating with the self.

And so the concepts "self-esteem", "self-image", "ideal self", and "real self" emerged out of nowhere.

And I was sort of... boggled. Boggled, yet attentive.

Boggled.

The lesson had me thinking. A lot.

How would you know if you're being your "ideal self"? How would you know if you're being your "real self"?

I mean, aren't we all just being who we want to be? So what is ideal, and what is real?

Are our real selves the ones that have those irremovable splotches of humanity? The ones that are forgetful? The ones that break promises? The ones that are easily tempted, and the ones that are swayed by emotion?

And our "ideal selves"... who are they? Are they the ones that are constant? The ones who we think we are, but actually aren't?

Which leads me to the question: who are you, or, more importantly,

who am I?

And as if an identity crisis isn't enough, here comes self-esteem, self-image, and what other people think of us.

It was mentioned that you are only limited by what you think yourself to be capable of doing-- what you think yourself to be.

But how does one boost one's sense of that?

How does one believe in oneself if reality seems to be going the opposite direction?

... or better yet:

which one is better to believe in, what you think is real, or what you want to think is real?

I mean, sure, the latter part would actually help you improve,

but what if, in reality, you're just some lameass piece of crap?

I mean, sure. I know that you shouldn't really give a damn about what other people think.

But that, too, is important, to know where you /really/ stand.

But... then again.

It was also mentioned that once you stop caring about what other people think, that's when you find true freedom (to be brilliant, in your own sense). But of course, you should also be sensitive as to when to be humble and accept your own mistakes. Else, you wouldn't get anywhere either.

Good God, being human is tough.

... and what if you're at the point where you know all these things, you know what good all of these changes will do for you... but you're still struggling and having a hard time putting them into practice.

Why?

Fear, perhaps?

Ah, fear. The enemy of will, says DC Comics.

Fear.

A negative reaction towards the unknown.

A hindering feeling.

Fear.

Hmm.

Since we're talking about fear anyway, I think I have to mention the things that scare me.

First off, I'm scared of roaches. Why? I'm not sure. I mean, they don't harm anyone, or anything, but yeah. I'm scared of them. I guess... I'm not really /scared/... I'm just pretty much grossed out. To the highest level.

Yeah they spread diseases ok and they're dirty and icky and eewwww they're just gross ok!!!

But then again it's pretty weird how I'm not afraid of rats and toads and salagubang and spiders and all the rest.

Yeaaaaaaah, it's the dirty, disease-filled factor, I'm pretty sure.

(rats are adorable, toads are ok, salagubang are pretty cool, and spiders are awesome)

I'm afraid of losing things... that's why whenever someone gives me a trinket of some kind, I end up not bringing it anywhere, for fear of losing it. Or, if ever I did bring it around, and I end up losing it, I try to reassure myself that it wasn't of that much value anyway, and it's the thought of the gift-giver that counts (... although I'd grieve a bit first and stuff :c). Yup. This way, I will never really lose anything.

Yeah, but "death" sure does make one wonder how I'd react.

Hmm.

I don't want to know lol.

I'm afraid of expressing how I feel. I don't like explaining myself, because I always, always believe that people will never understand me. Like they won't understand the kind of language I use with myself (e.g. the kind of language I use on this blog-- the kind of syntax, words, sentence structure, etc.). Like people'd look at me like I'm from a strange planet or something. Because I'm speaking nonsense. ... I'm sorry, but I'm just pretty random that way, I guess, so I'm sorry if I don't sound serious most of the time. That's just me trying to lighten everything up. Because the world is tense enough as it is.

I believe emotions are stupid, and that they wouldn't help with anything at all. I'm secretly cynical-- not in the bad way, though. I mean, it's better to be safe than sorry. ... what if you ended up trusting the wrong person? Then wouldn't you get hurt in the end?

I just don't like feeling vulnerable.

And, again, my emotions don't matter. What matters are yours. All of yours.

That makes me one less person in the world to worry about.

I'm afraid of failing. Too afraid of it, in fact, that I end up trying too hard NOT to fail, that I don't even clamor for success that often because I MIGHT fail at that and end up disappointing myself ALL THE MORE. So I end up being mediocre.

That's just it with me.

I don't think I ever give my best in anything.

I stopped trying back in high school.

Well, I tried, but where did that bring me?

Or, again, did I try hard enough?

I'll never know, I'll never know.

It's just so... ugh. Annoying, how I always aim to be "in the middle" of every failure and success.

Just... mediocre. Normal. Plain.

I've forgotten what I can be truly capable of.

Lately, I've been battling these fears head-on, with the quote "All the world's a stage...", by William Shakespeare. It has been helping a lot, as if it has given me a couple of personas-- weapons-- to use to fight all these fears and prove all my self-doubts wrong.

I'm doing pretty ok with the fears-- just swishing my swords back and forth to help myself evade them, or sometimes, scathe them.

Troubles pop up though.

Confusion.

"Growing up".

I'm turning 18 soon, and I've made a pact with myself that by my birthday this year, I'd be fully accepting of myself-- that I'd love myself as much as I love everyone else. Ah, I am the most difficult to please when it comes to my own matters.

A few weeks before my birthday, and STILL, I've yet to learn how to deal with my inconsistencies-- the inconsistencies and imperfections I've grown to hate and despise. My laziness, for example. See also: my self-righteousness.

But I must say, I've grown to love myself more.

It has been... difficult. Especially now that I've realized that... I, too, am human.

I mean, that honestly has been a difficult thing to accept--

the fact that I could break promises I really meant on keeping,

the fact that it is inevitable for feelings to be fleeting,

the fact that my actions are partially dictated by mood,

the fact that I, too, have issues, and I, too, need to be loved, need to be cared for, need to be cherished, and that I shouldn't be the one who keeps on giving and giving.

Agent Asterisk has earned the power of self-respect!

...

I mean, it would be nice if I didn't feel anything. I'd prefer that. I'd prefer not having any emotions. That way, I could actually be more helpful to people. But no. I have to bother people with my problems and my crap-- my existence, altogether.

I hate being human. I hate getting hurt. I hate how what meant happiness for me, at one point, would end up as... nothing... soon enough. I hate how I can't be constant, even though I try very hard to be. I hate how shaky human relationships can be. I hate how loosely we all understand one another. I hate how we will never truly know what another person feels, what another person thinks.

I hate how we are all not capable of loving purely and sincerely.

Or are we?

Am I?

Either way, I'm not all that deserving.

I have no idea why, but I've never thought of myself as someone who deserved any sort of recognition, who deserved getting into the school of her dreams, who deserved gaining all those tiny, but still rewarding awards along the way, who deserved any attention from anyone.

I'm not sure where I got this low self-esteem of mine. Nor do I know if "self-esteem" is the proper term related to feeling "undeserving of everything". I mean, I do, at times, gain confidence in myself. And I do think that I'm alright, I guess. But... sometimes, I just feel like wanting to vanish.

Like I'm a burden to anyone and everyone just by existing.

It's an odd feeling... because I don't think it's justifiable by logic or intelligent thought.

I just happen to feel this way.

A lot.

That's why when something bad happens to me, I don't get all that angry. I mean, sure, maybe I'd complain. Maybe I'd throw a fit in my head or something.

But in the end, I'd tell myself, "I probably deserve this."

Besides, everyone only ever gets what he or she deserves, right?

... right?

Or has reality already taken a different form?

-- or maybe I've just been too naive to notice?

This is why I don't know what my happiness is.

I probably don't want to know.

Because if I end up knowing, I'd think, "Do I deserve this? Will I deserve this? What will I ever be doing to deserve this?"

Because somehow,

everything I am

doesn't seem to be enough.

I don't feel like I'm... sufficient... to even begin to utilize-- to begin to live--with all the blessings I've been given.

Why? Have I been good? In this life? In a past life?

And? So what if I've been good? There are billions of other good people out there that deserve more than what I'm getting, but are not getting it anyway.

...

And I feel pathetic for not being good enough to use what I have for the better.

I guess this is why I've always wished I was... plain... when I was small. Because I never felt worthy. Because someone else could've probably used my skills for better things.

I mean, I could just start right now. But what skills does a life-wrecked teenager have?

...

The world is unfair.

I am at a crucial point wherein I'm beginning to question the validity of the things I believe in, the things I believe the world is, and the things that I am.

Then there's a huge load of school work to attend to.

Plus relationships to pay attention to.

To top it all off, I'm probably joining two orgs this sem.

I wish I had the power to stop time.

Sorry, I just blabbered on and on.

Now's the right time though-- my mind's pretty soupy, so I just ended up spewing out all my thoughts.

And I'm on a coding break.

I've been on a coding break for a few hours now, actually.

Hopefully... HOPEFULLY... I can finish my code by tomorrow.

Lord, please.

kom pew tah psy ans

2011-06-21T08:57:00.000-07:00

Today, everything made sense.

Right before my eyes, the answers to some of my troubles emerged from the seams of my perceived reality and made me see what was... what is... truly real.

I've probably said this tons of times before, most of the time just trying to get myself to believe it, other times, though rare, I'd be able to say it wholeheartedly, but now... now, I can say it with all my heart, all my soul:

I frikkin' love my course.

I remember people asking me stuff like "Why'd you choose that course?", and I'd be all, "Oh, I like computers and technology.", or "... I can only ever imagine myself in this course.". The former response'd always leave me regretting opening my mouth, because I'd always feel insubstantial and shallow afterwards. Other people do not have the liberty to even choose their own courses, to chase their own dreams, and I spend my choice on one just because "I like computers". But ah, I do. I've always loved technology, and I've always thought that gadgets were misunderstood creatures. I wanted to get to know them better, and I guess this course is doing its job pretty well (or, rather, I'm doing my job of catching up pretty well). It's just that... gah. I wish I was more interested in computers before to actually learn things on my own about them. I was always expecting someone to teach me how to program along the way, but apparently, no one came (such a shame when you come from a high school that boasts of so much). I don't want to blame anyone anymore though-- whatever I don't know right now is my own fault for not knowing. My ignorance is my misdeed. If other people would've known, I should've too. And God, do I regret this. As I said, I love computers. I just wish I understood them better when I was younger. I mean, I did. But not in the right light.

As for the latter response, "I can only ever imagine myself in this course."... truthful, but somewhat deceiving. There are, actually, a few other courses I'd love to be in right now.

What are they?

Physics.

Because I'm VERY VERY VERY interested in the inner workings of the universe, outer space, how math governs all of us, Einstein's theories, etcetera, etcetera.

I know that high school physics and I weren't exactly compatible,

BUT I SAW POTENTIAL IN IT BACK THEN,

and I WAS RIGHT

because my Physics 10 class opened my eyes to all the wonders of Physics @u@

... now Chemistry is something I'd never like lol in a million years ever ever.

But I think I'm... sorta forgiving it for the headaches its been giving me =__=

(Thank Nat Sci 1 and my awesome prof tharr, Ma'am Flerida)

The only thing I dislike about getting a physics course is...

I'd be studying all my life, probably.

I mean, I'd really love to know about the universe and all.

And I know that physics also has tons of application,

but

I don't know.

Delving into a science that isn't completely... certain... yet... will just... break my heart, I guess.

Like, you know, how Pluto was removed from the nine planets.

Things are constantly changing, and I don't think I can work with these things knowing that whatever I accepted as "the truth" can be altered and changed into something else just because we lacked knowledge /before/ to actually know "the exact truth" /before/.

I have issues with universal truths changing, okay.

But that doesn't diminish my love for Physics.

I'd still rather work with something more nearly exact.

Film.

I love film ok I am a movie buff ok I don't know if I'm being pretentious right now or what but come on I just love movies.

I LOVE LOVE LOVE movies.

I love analyzing films.

And talking to people about my opinions of them.

(well, mostly on forums because I'm only ever sociable online :c)

And I can write reviews about them all day if I could.

But I never get the time to xD

I'm actually thinking of opening up another separate blog for review-writing @__@

But yeah meh.

MEH.

Aaaaaaahhhhhhh film.

So many ideas can be expressed in just a few seconds of flipping through frames-- so much experience-- so much emotion.

If I could just communicate through film instead of talking, I would.

This just. Touches my soul.

But.

What I dislike about this course is that...

you have to have good connections with people.

People who know how to get things done.

People you can work with.

Yes.

Do you know how difficult that can be, especially for someone as socially awkward as me?

Also: art is shaky.

Some filmmakers only go for what intrigues the masses to make more money than the rest, but the downside to this is, substance, or the most important ideas and experiences, is/are lost.

Some say art is all about passion and showing the world what your soul is made of. Others say it's about pleasing or entertaining others with your skill.

I say that as long as you enjoy it, you should continue doing it.

But what if others don't?

Then what does that make you?

So many questions, so much shakiness, too much subjectivity.

I want something constant.

And I sure as hell don't want something that will make me risk losing my own identity.

Creative Writing.

AAAAAAHHHHHHH Creative Writing.

This is probably the course I've wanted all my life, if only people didn't pressure me with quips regarding the "hobo life" I'm going to live upon graduating.

Of course, I didn't believe them-- I knew that as long as you're good, and I mean REALLY GOOD, at something, then you're going to earn a hell lot of money from it (and I surely wanted to be /that/ good when I was a kid).

But lol let's not talk about money here.

The amount of money to be earned is the last thing I'd want to consider when it comes to weighing courses.

Honest to God, I was a better writer when I was like, 6-9 years old, compared to now, where I only write about crappy emotions, the screwiness of unrequited love, near-touching the topic of death from time to time. Before, there were no influences. Only pure imagination.

I created worlds.

I think I had one poem published on some children's magazine once.

LOL I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT WAS ABOUT

I REMEMBER IT HAVING SOME CAKE SOMEWHERE OR SOMETHING

Going back...

not once did I doubt my ability in writing, until I decidedly stopped, THEN started again.

Now, my words are awkward. Prepositions decided to hate me. Statements so suppressed by my itching need to be grammatically correct-- ah, freedom of speech, where hast thou gone?

*sigh*

What's worse is, I wake up to people dictating that /this/ is the proper way of writing.

No, \this\.

NO, |THIS|.

Make up your mind, people!

I believe literature is subjective, and that there are many ways to tackle it.

Some people just knock the fun out of writing and somehow end up making it feel like a chore-- a duty-- some kind of difficult task as to which we should all fall victim to if we want to write "better".

But what is better?

This is what I dislike about writing,

very shaky, like film.

Not only that, but it's as if people are placing all these barriers and rules and guidelines for you to follow, that you end up forgetting why you fell in love with writing in the first place-- because the moment you begin to pour your soul out onto any available sheet of paper, the moment you stop caring about technicality and grammaticality, yet knowing full well that other people will understand you, for you have beautiful ideas, beautified even more by form and by words, that exact moment when the tip of your pen glides across a page, enacting only what you want it to, imposing only what you want it to, creating only what you want it to...

at that moment,

you realize,

that you are free,

that your mind knows no bound,

that your heart knows no limits,
that you just fell in love with writing.

But sometimes, people add limits. People add boundaries.

I'm not saying that rules are bad-- I mean, they're there for the exact purpose of making us better people--

but, sometimes, they just make us forget the things that truly matter.

I don't want to see writing as something technical, as something I need to be doing to make a living... as work.

I want to see it as some sort of a release-- a benign force that helps ease stress and strain.

An honest means of communication-- sure, writers make up things, but only for the sake of entertaining or for the sake of expounding on a certain emotion or experience, never to deliberately lie.

I want it to be free.

This is why I'm glad I'm not in CW.

(But I still do want to be a part of it :c so many techniques to be learned!)

Anywho, who says I can't write without this course under my belt?

That's all, I guess.

And yet, I'm in Computer Science.

I don't know. Perhaps it's the fact that it's a man-made science, and all.

And that everything could be, more or less, controlled.

I'm not sure what sparked my curiosity with computers.

Maybe it's because I've been with computers since I was three.

Maybe it's because I've gone on too many forums and I've lurked too much of the interwebs that I suddenly felt like, "Hey, sitting in front of the computer's like second nature to me. I should get a job that'll surely get me seated in front of a monitor forever."

Maaaaaybe I was always interested with the insides of the the computer, how they "thought", how they reacted to various input, etc.

I also loved messing with the settings of... everything. lolol but I never really delved any deeper than that.

...I know that computers keep on evolving, but at least I know I can keep track since I'm always in front of one anyway.

And, dearie, I love Math.

How could I forget my constant pulls and its constant pushes.

It's a love-hate relationship we have, but hey, it works (most of the time).

Math 17 did shatter all (and I mean ALL) my confidence in problem solving, but hey. I learned a lot.

Took me a while though, but that's ok. Going at your own pace is ok.

I guess I was initially just intimidated by everyone and everything and my school and oh my gawd everyone's just so smart and why am I here and crap.

And people kept on saying, "Oh, you're probably here for a reason. You're smart. Blah." during the first few days of classes. And I was sitting there all "What. Am I really? Because I don't feel smart lol. I mean sure, I have this and that and whatever, but I don't think tests and grades can really measure true intelligence-- they only measure what you know at a particular point in time. True intelligence is retained, I think. Or maybe it's something else? So what does that make me?".

You see, that's something I've never really admitted to anyone.

How, exactly, does one respond to a "You're smart."?

"Thank you. :)"?! "No, you are. :)"!??!?! ":)"!??!!?!??!?!

What exactly is "smart"?

I mean, to me, it's just some telecommunications service everyone hates (which I use =__=).

LOLJK, but seriously though.

Is "smart" getting good grades?

Is "smart" doing well in class?

Is "smart" being able to recite all the time?

Is "smart" being able to help other people with their academics?

Is "smart" being good in math? Or in science? Or in history?

Is "smart" just simply "knowing"?

Or is "smart" "wise"?

What is smart?

Because y'know, sometimes people can be smart, but immature.

So then this makes me cross out the "wise" adjective.

I know smart people that have bad grades just because they're either crazy or their lazy.

Sooo we cross out the first definition.

What is smart?

And is there any use being smart at all if you cannot communicate your ideas verbally and effectively, at the right time // at the time it's needed?

What is smart?

I do well in tests and exams, usually on the objective ones and the essay ones, especially on the subjects I really love.

But what if I forget all information I learned right after-- what if I don't retain anything?

I mean, anyone can memorize anything, if they only had the will to.

Is the ability to retain memory something defining a "smart" person?

But then again, the ability of any person to retain information is IMMENSE, especially when prompted to by experience or emotion.

So what is "smart"?

Is it something felt?

Is it fleeting?

Do you earn for it...

... or is it a God-given gift?

OK OFF-TOPIC

BASTA I LOVE COMSCI KASI ANG SAYA

PLUS NATUTUTUNAN KO YUNG MGA DATI KO PANG GUSTONG MATUTUNAN

WAHEHEHHEHEHEH K

Anyway, sabaw na ako lol.

It's nearly 12am and I'm not quite done with this yet. xD

I'm sooo sleepy.

But anyway, I'd like to end this with one final thing just because I feel like it and just because it's the last thing on my mind right now

lol I am sleepy

^loljk that's the last thing on my mind before this BUT ANYWAY

Ok.

I love my blockmates.

;_;

Seriously.

With all my heart.

I'm not sure if anyone'd be able to understand, but,

I dunno.

I love how our block's so unique compared to the other blocks.

As if that's not enough, each person in our block's also very different from all the rest. Pretty interesting, really. I love meeting different kinds of people-- kinds I haven't met before-- and wow I hit the mother lode with my block.

I don't think I can place any of them under a single stereotype-- they're all just so unpredictable and awesome and I love them so much I want to die huhu.

I have to be honest though,

I was really really really really intimidated when I first met them (but then again, that's how I am with most people), and I wish I wasn't, and I really really really wish I wasn't, but I was. :c

And up to now, I'm still sort of quiet with them (sometimes, I catch myself trying too hard (?) though), but that's ok. I do love their company very very much. ;u;

They're all amazing, really.

If only I could enumerate each of them here and thank them for things I'd want to thank them for, I would, but lol I am the epitome of shy (and awkward), SO YES HUIHURGKAEGJae.

Maybe someday lol. <3

I've had a list in my mind for quite a few months now, actually.

Sometimes, I really get the urge to hug them because that's what I do with friends ok (especially when saying goodbye) but you know most of them are guys and I'm not used to hugging guys because I dunno. Society. :C

THANK GOSH FOR MY GIRL BLOCKMATES BECAUSE I CAN SMOTHER THEM AND DROWN THEM AND CURE THEM AND BASTE THEM AND FRY THEM AND BLANCH THEM WITH ALL MY LOVE FOR THE BLOCK LOLOLOLOL

I really feel sad that I can't go to the places they go to sometimes

primarily because I'm either not allowed to go there without parental consent a day before or some other mumbo-jumbo.

Sometimes I'm just lazy lol. But I'm lazy because I'm tired ok. I'm always tired. I hate how I'm always tired.

Makes me moody hmm.

Ew lol this is getting emotional kfjekjaf

I hate being unnecessarily emotional, serreh

BUT YES FOR MY BLOCK, MEBBE

WAHAHEHEAEHAHEHEHEHAHEHAE
lol hiya ako

OK I THINK THAT'S IT LOL

I LOVE G-16

AND I HOPE I GET A BLOCK SHIRT NA

... ANYTIME NOW LAWL

(so I can wear it everyday loljk every other day nalang)

Oh lol btw sometimes I hate being a girl.

I want to be genderless UGHHH because err now that I'm in a co-ed school (a.k.a THE REAL LIFE far from what's inside an all-girl's school @o@), I see how much gender can affect interactions and whateverz. It's annoying lol equality please loljk.

I KNOW BOTH SIDES DEAL WITH GENDER ISSUES SO UH

I PROPOSE A NEW GENDER TO ABOLISH ALL OTHER GENDERS:

\\\\GENDERLESS////

WHAAHHAHFAKFaefkha

wokey jowkz powhz

GOODNIGHT, BLOG

~*forever alone*~

LOL

Dream Home

2011-06-20T05:12:00.000-07:00

Right in the middle of adding more ideas into my "dream home idea page" on my "write anything here" notebook, I realized how stupid planning for a dream home is at such an early point in my life.

Sure, planning early is good, but only if you know what you really want-- only if you know what's really good for you.

Planning what I want my home to look like right now is like planning what I would become in the future-- a dining room table for four meaning I'd have a family, while having no dining room at all would mean that I'd rather live alone. Little things like that make it difficult for me to even visualize a home right now.

Right now, I like where I'm heading... although I do know that this year'd present a huge fork in the road for me, and I've yet to be swayed by succeeding events into one of the two roads lying in front of me now. Hopefully, I'd go where I'm most happy. Hmm. But then again, of course I would. What kind of sad excuse for a human am I if I don't go where my heart doesn't want me to go?

Graaar.

So anyway, right now, I should be studying for math, but I'm not, so lol wut. I have no idea why my brain's been pretty cloudy (no pun intended-- perhaps partially) lately. Lack of sleep? Lack of rest? But why is it that when I try to sleep, I end up just staring at the ceiling, thinking of... life?

Beauty.

2011-06-18T10:10:00.000-07:00

Ok, so today, I watched Green Lantern in 3D with my parents.

Yeah, there was something... lacking... in the plot, but I enjoyed it anyway. I liked the whole "will vs. fear" concept they had going on (not to mention the "aliens learning something from humanity'" thing, around the end of the movie), and I liked how everything in the movie is pretty much possible. And stuff. Haha, who's to say what's out there? I can dream, can't I?

But I'm not here right now to discuss Green Lantern. I'm here to discuss physical appearances, which most might consider a touchy topic to talk about, actually.

With all truth, I am not fond of talking about physical appearances (and by "physical appearances", I mean, "phenotype/physical genetic traits", therefore excluding personal style, tastes, whatever). But here goes.

So, there was this scene in the movie where Hal (Green Lantern) told Carol (his special someone), "You're beautiful.". OOOOOOOOOOOK, cliche line right there, but what. WHAT. WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT. HAL ARE YOU LIKE, BLIND. BECAUSE DUH LOL OF COURSE SHE'S BEAUTIFUL SHE'S GOT LIKE, MAKE UP ON AND LIKE, EVERYBODY KNOWS SHE'S BEAUTIFUL IN THE MOVIE, APPARENTLY, SO UH WHAT NICE WORDS TO SAY, HAL. OR SHOULD I SAY, "CAPTAIN OBVIOUS"?

And LOL how exactly does one react to a "You're beautiful/you're handsome?" (knowing that it's his/her looks that's being complimented)?

Should one smile and say "Thank you"? Wouldn't that be odd because you were born that way lol why would you take credit for something you didn't plan in the first place? I mean, if you, say, played a piece brilliantly on the piano, or, perhaps, painted an excellent work of art, THEN perhaps you can say "thank you" because you deserved the praise... but with appearance? With something you took no part in planning? Uuuuhhh... I don't think so?

SURE, maaaybe the clear, white skin was YOUR doing since YOU were the one who maintained it anyway. But then again, someone can have clear and white skin and /not/ look attractive to most people.

Which brings me back to: you did not choose what your jaw line looks like, how high your cheekbones'd go, the roundness of your eyes, etc. You look the way you look now mainly because of the code in your genes.

AND ANOTHER THING. What's with people throwing all these compliments around? They make it seem like looking good is actually a worthwhile achievement (or like it even IS an achievement, for that matter).

I mean, the "You're beautiful" compliment would work if someone was beautiful on the inside.

=n=

Why are people so caught up with appearances?

Ok, I know I'm caught up with appearances too, but hey, at least I don't act upon it.

I can call millions of guys "cute", but that's that. I don't know them, so why would I bother acting up just because they're cute or something. Sure, I could have that occasional "happy crush", but come on. "CRUSH". I'm not in love with them-- only with how they look. It's just that shallow. Some people actually get too blinded by looks that they end up marrying people just because of this. And then, somewhere down the road, they realize that they're actually not happy aaaand, well. Yeah.

Beauty fades awaaay.

Ok FINE. I have to admit that I do care too much about /how I look/, but then again, that's just something self-employed. It's something like an "I-only-have-one-life-so-I-might-as-well-work-on-getting-everything-I-want" kind of thing, and looking good enough for me to accept myself is part of that /goal/.

It sucks, because sometimes, I find myself wanting to be extremely pretty, just so I'm assured that people aren't disgusted to look at me when I do something. Hey, the least thing I'd want to do is disgust people. (Which is why I'm glad such things as "common courtesy" and "manners" were invented.)

But then again, sometimes, I also do wish I was ugly, so that AT LEAST I know that the people around me are actually FOR REAL and they LOVE ME FOR WHO I AM, not for what I look like or any of that superficial bullcrap.

I MEAN, HONESTLY, IF I WERE CAROL AND LIEK, HAL WENT ALL "YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL" ON ME, I WOULD BE INSULTED. I. WOULD. BE. INSULTED.

UGHHHHH GUUUURL come on. I'D BE ALL "OH MAH GAWD HAL WE'VE KNOWN EACH OTHER SINCE LIEK, FOREVAH, AND YOU TELL ME I'M BEAUTIFUL!?!? !?!? >!??! >rfkelak COULD'VE CALLED ME AMAZING OR SOMETHING OK I HATE YOU NOW :(" *stomps away*

loljk.

It'd actually be nice to be called beautiful, because I'd take that as "inwardly beautiful", unless otherwise stated... THEN that'd be quite awkward, because AGAIN, what do I say to that?

"THANKS, I GUESS MY PARENTS HAVE PRETTY AWESOME GENES HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHHAHAHA OK I'M GOING TO LEAVE YOU ALONE FOREVER NOW :C *SUPERAWKWARD*"

In all honesty, I think everyone is beautiful. I don't think anyone out there is ugly, really. I don't understand the logic behind people calling other people ugly just to boost their own confidence. What is up with that? That's a pretty dumb attempt at an insult, mind you, since there's honestly no substance in looks. I mean, someone can look good but they can have the most unbearable personality on earth. It's just so... UGH I DON'T KNOW. "I can't believe she replaced me with someone ugly >:(", "He's ugly so I bet he's like, friendless or something blah", "Why does she act all aloof when she doesn't even have the looks to back it up?"

OH WOULD YOU ALL JUST SHUT UP, MY GOD. YOU SHALLOW IDIOTS. THAT'S JUST SO... I DON'T KNOW. HIGH SCHOOL-Y?

=_________=

There's probably more to the story or something or I don't know. UGH looks are just so UGH I DON'T KNOW. STUPID. Sometimes I wish everyone was blind and stuff so they'd know what really matters. :c

Urgh. I know some industries actually value looks and appearance more than anything (such as modelling and crap), but come ooooooon. Really, everyone's beautiful, but again, not everyone has clear skin and awesome bodies... but lol duh that can be so easily fixed-- just go to the gym, exercise, and get yourself some acne cream (or wait 'til adolescence is over or something) or go to the derma while you're at it and you're all good. Seriously. Everybody's pretty why don't people see thaaat ;________;

Off.

2011-06-16T05:09:00.000-07:00

I've been pretty damn off lately.

For starters, I laugh when nothing's funny (which I normally do anyway, but the recent occurrences are just... way off-- even for me), I say stupid things when nobody really asks for stupidity, and I just. I just. Ugh.

Hey, at least I'm more driven to study and read and stuff. But... I just...

*sigh*

This is not good, not good at all.

Maybe I'm taking this too seriously. Yes. Maybe I am.

Or maybe not.

Hell, I don't even know if this exists or not.

There's always the possibility that my paranoia is leading me to the right track.

Or, again, maybe not.

When the hell have I become this antisocial again. Please. Tell me. Goddamn. Utter hatred for my indolence.

Ffff. I swear. I just. Ugh.

If I allowed myself to curse in public, I would. Right now. A lot.

And the fact that everything is probably a huge misunderstood mess-- plus the fact that I don't intend to fix the said mess-- will just lead me here. Kicking myself in the damn ass.

Today, I don't just wish to be alone or to be granted solitude.

No no no.

Hell no.

Today,

I wish I just never existed.

SO TODAY I DIDN'T SLEEP

2011-06-13T15:33:00.000-07:00

Liberation

2011-06-12T10:36:00.000-07:00

I don't know how the far future is going to resolve itself.

As of now, it seems pretty much messed up.

Some of my dreams cannot coexist with each other.

I know for a fact that the present cannot exactly mirror what the future may hold, for I have proven that time and time and again,

but,

what if,

this time,

it actually does?

I'd love for the clouds to hover on forever, but what about the more realistic dream of... settling down?

No, I REFUSE to give up my clouds. And no, I won't give up my dream of having little kiddies run around my yard either.

Haha. Fine.

I can't help but say it, but...

I'm getting impatient.

Things right now always seem to be so average-- so normal-- and I'm getting so, so, so used to the copious mediocrity and sheer dullness of everything, that living is rendered meaningless.

Perhaps this is just me missing school, missing focus.

But then again, school is just another cycle just waiting to be pounced on.

Why is everything so cyclical? Why do the same things keep on happening, over and over again, as if they weren't tired of it themselves? Why do I feel so limited-- so restrained-- by my own life?

You know what?

If I could fly,

(err... or more plausibly, if I had a car,)

I would be going out a lot,

and nobody would know where I'd go, where I've been, where I've gone off to, where I'm planning to go.

Aaaaahhhh, that would be SO liberating.

So, so liberating.

I need to feel free right now.

I just feel so contrained

by people

by routines

by responsibilities

by this narrow, crowded house.

I feel like I need to have a place to run away to,

a place nobody but me knows of,

a place I can just

exist

in.

LOL

2011-06-10T02:53:00.001-07:00

I just woke up.

It's 5:48pm.

Dude what the hell.

I need to get my body clock together before Tuesday.

Otherwise, I'm dead.

God.

2011-05-30T15:14:00.000-07:00

I must warn you: I'm pretty emotional right now.

ALSO: sorry for possibly sounding like a religious nut-- lol I don't mean to, really.

Nor do I want to convert anyone into my faith o_O that'd be awesome though.

But still lol I'd rather not be forceful about that. :C

I'm creating this post for the sole purpose of thanking God--

I will eternally thank Him for sticking by me through thick and thin,

for being there despite me being imperfect, and, naturally, sinful,

for being there when nobody could,

for encouraging me to always be completely honest with myself-- to lose all fear I have of anybody (including God Himself) judging me,

for guiding me and helping me grow up to love what is moral and just,

for teaching me how to love everyone, no matter how difficult it can be,

for keeping me sane during moments of doubt,

for being my confidence,

for helping me sort out my thoughts,

for listening to my problems, rants, oddness, and thanksgiving,

for loving me so much, as He does everyone.

The gratitude I am capable of expressing throughout my entire life will never be enough to account for everything He has done for me and for others.

I don't know how He does that-- how He finds me in shaky ground, completely lost, or completely broken, and repairs me anyway, despite me being the one at fault in the first place as to why I was lost.

I don't think I will ever understand the intensity of His love for us. ;__;

I guess... to know God (and to really know Him), is to experience a lot of hardships. I honestly thought I knew everything there was to know about Him, back when I was a kid. Well, I did. There was still tons of that child-like innocence present back then. It's just that, as in all relationships... we grew apart.

Why?

I guess it's normal, that, at some point, one just begins to question the beliefs one grew up with.

I didn't encounter much problems during the first two years of high school.

In third year, however, I began questioning the teachings of the church, their rituals, their stand on issues like abortion, homosexuality, premarital sex, the RH bill, overpopulation, other religions, etc.

Many of my questions have been answered by our CL curriculum in 4th year though.

Although I think my views on the church (in general) have been pretty much marred.

But then again, the church is separate from God.

As stated in one of our CL handouts, the church is run by human beings as well, therefore, it, too, is imperfect.

And so arises the need to know who God is, for the church might not be as reliable as I thought it would be.

Not to mention that certain beliefs among Christians are still being argued upon.

I know that my parents (particularly my mom, since her entire clan is Baptist, and they actually own a huge Baptist church) dislike certain things about Catholicism.

I cannot side with anybody though-- as long as I am worshiping the same God, I'm alright.

I haven't really placed much thought into "knowing who God is", because honestly, how would one get to know someone who's not physically there?

How do you get to know someone when He does not respond to you in an audible or readable manner?

When you can't see Him, even?

LOL YEAH HOW DO YOU DO THAT SRSLY

So yeah, I totally didn't do anything about that, because there's really nothing to be done.

And besides, as long as I'm living by the safe side of things, by the morally good and everything, I'll be ok.

...or so I thought.

The problems of the now aren't like the problems of yesterday.

They are heavier, weightier, fuller.

If it's caused by the process of "growing up" or by any other logical explanation, I don't know.

But what I know is,

now,

around nearly two decades of living,

is the only time we get to realize

(or, at least, /I/ get to realize)

the things that are wrong with our lives.

The flaws we never thought were flaws that we must fix.

I guess it comes with "knowing" who we are and what we are capable of doing from time to time, and then analyzing everything with basis from past experiences.

Add these realizations up with the present set of "the usual" problems, then we get a load of crap on our hands.

(Yuck.)

I might not be making sense anymore, since it's 6 in the morning, and I haven't slept yet (GOOD GOD WHY CAN'T I SLEEP) but I'll try my hardest.

I used to pray a lot, but I never really made it a habit, nor did I ever understand how important it was until just recently.

I guess you do it for the same reason you go to church-- for spiritual replenishment.

Because, I don't know why, but people tend to forget what matters the most.

And prayer, I guess, helps me sort out things a lot.

It really does.

I know I talk to myself a lot (not in public, of course, but yeah), and I used to think that praying would sorta be the same, because anyway, I don't see who I'm talking to.

This was also a reason why I thought that prayer wasn't important-- because anyway, God KNOWS what I'm going through, so He should, by inference, know what I'm going to pray about.

But apparently, praying is entirely different, and is really needed as a means for communication between you and God.

I dunno, it's just different, ok.

It's like, talking to someone, but you don't see Him, but then you're still talking as if He's really there.

It's awesome, you should try it.

Err.

And because you're talking to someone about things (even only in your head), your mood really lightens up.

It's weird, at first. But you get the hang of it.

It's weird because nobody's responding, but at some point, you'll just get used to it, because some time soon, you'll just realize that there is, actually, a response.

You'll either feel it, or it will happen to you.

Seriously.

It's as if the way God communicates with you is through the things that are happening in your life.

If something bad's happening right now, then most likely, you'll gain something great out of it.

You just have to wait.

Everything is a blessing, I guess.

Not just at the immediate time it shows itself.

It's weird. Everything about spirituality is weird.

But the good kind of weird.

Weird, since, it works in ways that aren't known to us.

I've been struggling with certain things lately.

Thoughts. Ideas. Beliefs.

And by "struggling", I really mean "struggling".

Totally different from the things I've been struggling with during high school.

Those were pretty serious stuff too, though.

Causing a lot of people to practically hate you or think badly of you has been... difficult.

God taught me how to be strong.

It took four years, but meh. I'm just glad I got something awesome out of that.

The insanity involved with falling in love / adoring someone too much was also difficult to bear and to handle alone.

But God was there to help.

And I've realized a lot of nice things because of that.

Right now, I just... I just hope things get better.

I'd rather not elaborate on this.

Gosh, I just can't thank God enough for everything.

Even from the most painful experiences, I was able to gain very valuable and useful insight.

And even when my faith was wavering, He still did not leave me alone.

jkfsfehefkjaefk

Right now, I know exactly of the things He's challenging me to do.

I'm.......... trying, I guess.

Though I probably wouldn't have realized that I needed to do these things, if it weren't for a few things He has made evident to me just recently =o=

(just the other day, actually)

I know that it might sound annoying to you,

for me to be thanking someone who, possibly, might not even exist, in your world.

So, I'm sorry for annoying you.

But,

it's just that,

this means a lot to me,

and, there is a possibility that it could mean a lot to you,

in case you find yourself stuck in a huge rut you can't count on anyone else to help you with.

This is basically just me saying that

there is /never/ no one--

there is always someone--

there is always hope.

I just hope my thingies all end soon.

;_____;

MY LOVE FOR YOU BURNS WITH THE INTENSITY OF A THOUSAND GOLDEN SUNS

2011-05-29T11:44:00.000-07:00

God, was I cheesy when I was in grade school.

The title was something I always used to tell one of my friends back then. Why? Err. Long story. WELL, fine. I had this group back in grade school, and we, at some point, became addicted to Gundam Wing. Because there were five of us girls, we decided to /be/ the characters we crushed on the most... and, oddly, we were very much like the characters we chose o_o

So that made Shannen the one and only Heero Yuy, Andrea turned into Duo Maxwell (who I still call Duochan today, because seriously, it has become a habit to me), Erika was Trowa Barton, I was Quatre Raberba Winner, and Blessie was Chang Wufei. As you may or may not know, girls tend to... pair up guys when they're uber bored. Hence, yaoi. Quatre's pair, was, apparently, Trowa. And so I repeatedly annoyed Erika with the line I now used as my blog entry title. Haha, she always physically hurt me in return. Ah, but as they say, love always hurts. <3 LOLJK OH MY GOSH MY GRADE SCHOOL CHEESINESS HAS AWAKENED.

Anyway, I'm not really here right now to blog about my grade school weirdness.

Some spambot decided to fill my Tumblr ask with the following:

this is kind of weird and awkward for me, but i have to tell you that i've been having the biggest crush on you for awhile now. i don't know how else to tell you, only this way. i don't go on here a lot, this isn't even my account, but if you ever want to talk i'm always on www.dateapply.com under the username "wishfulthinker" and please when you do see me next time, please don't act weird =/

I HAVE TO BE HONEST NOW.

THE FIRST FEW LINES HAD ME GOING.

AND I MEAN, GOING.

REALLY.

REALLY GOING.

MY HEART WAS RACING.

And the fact that it was from an anon asker... GOOD GOD!

DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH IT CRUSHED ME

TO REACH THE POINT OF THE MESSAGE

WHERE IT GAVE ME THAT STUPID FALSE WEBSITE

AND CRAP WHAT THE HELL

YOU HAD ME GOING, SPAMBOT.

YOU

HAD

GOING

I HATE YOU

UGH

I WAS ALL

"OH MY GOSH WHO COULD THIS BE OH MY GOSH"

BUT AT THE BACK OF MY MIND,

OBVIOUSLY,

I WAS WISHING FOR IT TO BE A PARTICULAR SOMEONE

fkeajfalkfjalkefjkaljfkalejfkaefjaklfjklajfkljefkaeklfjaklfjekaf

OH COME ON NOW PEOPLE

COME ON

COME OOOOOON

I CAN DREAM RIGHT

//tagaloooog
HUHU KAHIT ISIPIN KO LANG NA IKAW DAHIL ANON
...KAHIT ANON LANG HUHU
SIGE NA KAHIT ANON MAN LANG PLZ
KAHIT HINDI TALAGA IKAW PERO ANON PA RIN, LEAVING MUCH ROOM FOR IMAGINATION
PLEASE LANG PLEASE BAKIT GANUN
FEKAJFKEAJFKJEA
SORRY NA HA ALAM KONG NAG-IILUSYON LANG AKO
PERO AYUN MASAYA KASI MAG-ILUSYON EH
HHUHUHUHUHUHUHUHUHUHUHUHUHUUHUHUHUHU
//tagalog mode overrrr

*sigh*

I don't know.

It would be nice, I guess.

I don't knooow.

Please don't judge me.

Again, I'm not the type who likes to be crushed on or anything.

I mean, sure, it'd be nice, if both of us could just laugh it off or something-- if it wasn't a serious crush at all--

if I could even go as far as "Haha! So you like me huh~ well I like you too heehee~" andand

nothing serious will ever rise up from that,

because we both know it's a joke

and we'd laugh all night and stuff

andandand we'd still be friends and stuff

and still joke around about it and stuff

BECAUSE IT'S NOT SERIOUS
::::random bit::::
(YOU CAN SKIP THIS-- it'd make more sense if you do)
I know I could, at an extent, be likeable.
But I don't think there's any reason for anyone to be crushing on me, except for that way I generally am towards people.
And frankly, if anybody wanted anything more serious than a mere crush kind of thing, I'd like to say that there is no person as one-sided as to have only one set of traits-- only one side, one self.
Nobody is that consistent.
Therefore, I would like to point out that, I, too, have my imperfections-- I, too, can get angry. I am capable of all the other kinds of negative emotion. I, too, am a person. I do not live to please, but honestly, it would be nice if people would be pleased.
So don't ever be surprised if, one day, I'd get all "tainted by the negativity all around me".
Is it not normal for a person to have moods?
If you cannot accept me and all my moods (which I am not forcing you to accept), then I'll be completely fine with that. As long as you remain a friend to me-- nothing more, or perhaps something less, if you choose.
Because if all you want from me is the probably amiable side of mine, then maybe you should rethink your definition of friendship.
Again, I am human. I am just like you, in case you have forgotten.
(Sorry for the momentary rant. Moving on.)

...

But.

It would be different if it was a particular someone, I guess.

I mean, I'm not asking for it to happen--

heck, I DON'T want it to happen, because I wouldn't know what I'd do if that'd happen

OH GOD I SWEAR I'LL JUST MELT RIGHT THEN AND THERE

AND DROWN EVERYONE IN TEARS OF JOY

BECAUSE I SWEAR I ALMOST DID THAT TONIGHT

BUT DAMN YOU "DATEAPPLY"

FOR RUINING MY FANTASY

I SWEAR I WAS ALREADY NEAR-CRYING

fkaejfkejfa

*sigh*

There is a huge possibility that I'm blinded too much by my feelings to actually see that I'm merely delusional-- that my strong admiration and utmost adoration for this person has blinded me from thinking that this is not what I think it is, that it hasn't been what I thought it is.

But then again, who's to say what it is and what it is not but me?

Frankly, I don't think anybody really, truly knows what love is until it has hit them and domineered over the previous experiences of infatuation.

I think that love, of all things, is selflessness.

It is the train of thought wherein not once do you ever think of yourself.

I guess that's why people must choose who they must continue loving wisely, for other people may abuse one's selflessness.

Could I be in love?

Maybe.
Maybe not.

All I know is...
that I've found the person that brings me both the utmost felicity and the fairest form of sadness without needing even the slightest touch, without needing even the slightest sound of this person's voice, without needing even the pleasure of seeing this person face to face.

And so what am I left with?

Words, endless words.
Read, reread, copied, and pasted.

And what of a wordless night-- what then?

Then the mere existence of this person's soul is all I need to be contented, for what are our hearts, but two points in space?

There must be a line, imaginary, but breathing, nonetheless, that connects both our beating hearts.

Ah, bless this line-- the aorta of two beings.

I had another dream with you in it, again, by the way.

Thank you for your visits-- they are very well-appreciated.

They give me nothing to be sad about, for at least, a part of me can be with you.

And what is my entirety without my imagination?

As for my earthly self, I go on and conquer the mountains I set my sights on.

_______________________________________________________________

Sorry, I guess that was too much.

There are just some moments like this... moments wherein I just want to scream to the heavens of what I feel.

Of course, I wouldn't literally scream.

(Although, given the most advantageous chance, I would.)

OH, RANDOM THOUGHT.

I LOVE PRIDE AND PREJUDICE.

Well, so far.

FKEAJFKEJF

I can't wait to finish this book, read the Hunger Games trilogy, AND THEN read Emma (also by Jane Austen).

I adore this work-- so extravagantly honest with the workings of its time.

And to think that Jane Austen only wrote this as a form of entertainment for herself and for her family!

Now THAT is writing at its finest.

I can't believe-- (plus more stuff about the universe and crap lol)

2011-05-28T09:33:00.000-07:00

I can't believe I spent so much time believing that other people didn't commit the mistakes I so often committed.

NO, scratch that! I can't believe I cared too much about the conditions of other people, when really, I should've only cared about myself.

At least, as of now, as this stage I'm in is the "self-improvement" stage.

(I'm not being selfish here-- I just want to improve who I am first before dealing with the issues of others. That way, everything would be easier, since I wouldn't be dealing, NAY!, struggling with two things at the same time.)

I don't understand why it took me 17 years to actually find out that I've been stuck in this stage for how long now. I guess it's because I was doing pretty fine until high school started. Hmm.

Back in second year, there were four stages. Change within the individual, then the family, then the nation, and then the world-- did I get this right?

I've always thought that everything was perfect-- that we just had to live in a world and... be.

But apparently, other people don't have the same ideals as you, and that's a harsh truth I learned to live with. Also, I thought that the grownups already knew everything there was to know about the universe-- or at least, the tidbits that concerned us. But apparently, we're living on theories and laws that may still be disproven by what is yet to be discovered in the far reaches of the universe.

I guess that's what sucks. You know, conformity. Too much conformity and generalization is not always good. Sometimes it's better to be open to new ideas. But then again, there is also a danger involved with being too accepting of liberalization from the norm-- sometimes, the new and radical ideas are harmful to us, that's why there was a norm in the first place.

This line of thought has brought me to the following: what should I believe in, and will I be able to defend this well when the time comes? Because I cannot always rely on other people's voices to sway me, for I am me, I exist, I am capable of thought. I cannot let another think for me. I cannot be swayed by the social status, economic status, good breeding, intellect, personality, or charisma of another. I should not. I will not.

And so, for the past few days, I've been trying to get a hold of what my heart truly wants and supports. I've been questioning everything, questioning the big things and the small things, supplying answers that work (and if they don't, I think up answers that do), deciding, rethinking, etcetera. So far, I don't think I've made any major changes in what I believe in-- and no, I don't think I'm being biased or anything, but they're just the mindsets that works for me, I guess.

So yeah.

I'm sorry if I keep on blogging about self-improvement, my self-confidence issues, and my progress on both. It's just that... I need to blog about this. Because if I don't... then I might take this for granted again, and I'll just end up going back to being the fool doused in self-pity. Because if I don't... I might be lost at sea. I might lose track. I might forget what I'm doing this all for.

I have that particular tendency-- the one where I keep on putting things off and putting things off, not knowing the importance of doing things at the moment I assigned myself to do them earlier on. I have another: forgetfulness. And another: laziness.

I swear, sleep is the answer.

I still lack sleep, darn it. But not as much as I used to. Don't worry, I'm working on that too.

Daaamn this feels so good-- reinvention.

And what's so great about it is, you're not changing into someone you're not-- you're changing into someone that's more you than you ever were.

Metamorphosis. Like a butterfly. ;u;

Oh, love.

... which reminds me, I've decided on something regarding exactly that, as well.

And I'm particularly happy with it.

I'm... happy with everything I've set myself upon.

I guess the difficult part now, though, is to stick with it.

But with God's help, heck, I can do that.

(SORRY FOR GOING ALL RELIGION-Y AGAIN, but God rocks ok. He's helped me through thick and thin-- when there was literally no one there to count on. And it's odd, because I did not really make it a habit to pray, or anything. But when I remembered, my load just felt so... light. Not necessarily right after praying-- usually the day after. But yes. It's amazing how He can work. I guess that's something I'll never understand. I mean, considering the measly amount of knowledge we have right now of the universe, I can't expect anyone to be of full understanding of what lies in the spiritual level of things [where God resides]-- not even those people who claim to be the leaders of religion. If there has been something I've learned this past year, it's that not everything has been explained yet, and that even those that have been explained can still be disproven, that it was entirely coincidental that these laws have lasted this long-- the odds are low, but then again, we don't know how the universe works. I'm not even sure if we know the basics of its inner workings. Looking at things from a single spot in space contributes to our lack of knowledge in the universal laws that govern us, so I guess that's not our fault. If only we had the power to see the bigger picture-- how many worlds, exactly, are there? And I'm not just talking about the physical worlds-- the worlds we see. There is more to life than sight, and that, in itself, scares me. There is a possibility, no matter how small [in terms of what has been encountered by us humans, which, I can say, could not be reliable, still, in the quest for knowledge about the universe], that ghosts exist. That aliens exist. That vampires exist. Possibly not in the world we are physically in, but in a different world that, we too, can perceive, or touch, or feel.

What governs the heart? What governs the mind? Ah, so many things unexplained. Psychologists have made brain study a science, and they have gone a long way [from disorder classification and diagnosis, to the actual treatment], but have they explained why certain emotions are caused? If they answer me with a "because of a traumatic experience", or "because his heart was broken", or "because she just won the lottery", I'd slap them and ask them again: "Why was it traumatic in the first place-- other people won't find that traumatic...? Why was his heart broken-- he could have chosen for it to not be broken in the first place...? Why would winning the lottery make her happy?". And if they go all "because these things probably meant a lot to them", I would go "Why did these things mean a lot to them? What causes things to mean a lot to someone? Is it the time spent hoping for something? Is it trust? Is it because they believe it is going to make them happy? [But then again, we know not of the truth, and I believe that whatever we believe in when it comes to happiness, or any other emotion, is quite subjective.] And what is trust, what is happiness, what is nostalgia, what is fear, what is pain but mere products of the mind? Why do our minds know of such concepts? Why do we feel these emotions? No, don't trace this all back to a certain point in our lives-- what I mean to ask is, why do we feel in general? Is it to know that we exist? To know that we are far more superior than any other creature? And then what? What do we do with this threshold of emotions? They have the ability to make us or break us. So what is their presence-- a test? Why do people feel differently from other people? Why can two people who've had the same experiences feel differently about them? What makes people prefer something or dislike something [...at an early age]? Is there any sense, at all, to what I'm saying right now?".

Ah, and there are dreams, whose purpose cannot be explained by any form of logic out there, as of this moment. Perhaps, these, too, are universes. The fact that they exist in our heads means that they are real-- that they happened-- but only in our heads. This is something yet to be explored. So far, I only know of practices that can induce lucid dreaming [or dreaming wherein you're aware that you're in a different universe, that you're dreaming, thus, you can control everything that happens in it]. Also: I wonder if the stories we create or the things we imagine are real-- but of course, they are real, for they exist in our heads, but what I mean is, do they take a physical form somewhere else? But then again, why is the physical form important? Is it not good enough for them to exist and be real in our minds? And so what if they are merely in our minds? We haven't even unlocked the deepest secrets [... not even much of the surface, even] of the brain, and yet we think of them as... a jail cell for things imagined and things thought out. What if our minds were linked to a whole other world? What if our minds are more than just the thought-receptacles we believe them to be? We've yet to find out... or will we find out? Will everything in the universe all be clear to us? Reincarnation, resurrection, apparitions, gods and goddesses... so many concepts we've yet to prove or disprove. Will we get the chance to?

Ah, so much room for imagination! At this rate, anything is possible. I feel like a child again. No, wait. I still am one. Such an odd concept of "growing up" I have. Another would be the concept of "being a child", when all I was being was who I was. I was always this curious, but then again, responsibilities keep on piling up, and I run out of time to be curious.

Time, time, time. You are a constant pain in the ass, you know? But then again, we can be friends, if only I believed hard enough.

Again, so much room for imagination-- I don't think there is anything more powerful than imagination-- anything but love, I guess. WAHEHAEHAEHAHE I'm being entirely truthful here though.)

WHAT THE HELL

THIS BLOG ENTRY IS SO LONG

I AM SO SORRY, BLOG, FOR STRETCHING YOUUU

random srs blog
is random
and srs
hihi sorry I spewed out everything I thought
as they entered my mind
LAWLZ